New Konads expression

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My Two strand flat twist is improving

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New Konads

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Flat twist attempt

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Quest for Love-Jujuan

ok so this guy just tried to talk to me wit no tooth in the front and a black sweat shirt with about a million lint balls on it. should I have given him a chance? Dam...
One of my girlfriends thinks I am superficial and I should accept whatever I can get while another says HELL NO. What do you think?
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Quest for love

Well I have not found Mr. Right for me yet. But I hate myself and how I look so much that I don't even really know how I'd allow a man to love me right now. How can someone love me when I hate myself? They can not. So. Guess that means the focus of my Quest must change to self love. I know what to do but I don't know if I am up to doin it. Hell. Its hard work to lose weight. I don't believe I can do it and that makes me not want to try but that also leaves me stuck.

CHILDHOOD CRUSH
So when he was showing me interest. I could not believe that he could actually like me, I wouldn't. So I found a way to push him away. And Him too

OLD MAN
I did the same thing to the old man. Don't know how to allow a man to be nice to me when I'm not worthy of niceness. I'm just fat and sloppy and when they see that they will try to fuk and cut. I automatically feel like they are trying to take advantage of me...make me a cheap date. That's when I got rid of that fool. Save face. Gotta lota figuring out to do. Help
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KRAZY for Konads

My new nails. I don't feel like I'm getting better at konading. I manage to get some on but never systematically. I can never predict were the Konad is going to place and I do it over and over. It starts to suck and its suppose to be fun. Well, my nails are fancy and no one can tell that they are imperfect but me.
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Most recent Konad expression

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Detrimental to my Mental

LIFE!!! Its really detrimental to my mental. My life is driving me insane, to the looney bin. Yesturday, my car got repo'd from my job. Then today I learn that the bank my paycheck is expected to be deposited into tomorrow closed my account due to excessive overdraft. Now this is too much for one person to bear (alone anyways).
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KRAZY for Konads

Here is my latest amateur Konad creation. I had a blast playing with my Konads for the first time in 3 days. I used Sinful polish color unknown right now and white Konad with multiple Bundle Monster plates. It's original design so u can't replicate it. LOL. Nah, but I was just too excited to use one design. The color was a gift from a client yesturday who saw my nails and blessed me with about 5 great polishes. I really felt blessed because I am broke until payday and can't afford NO polish right now. I only had a few now I got some more to play with thanks to this very nice lady named Ann. I am so pleased with the outcome of my nails and it's getting easier too. That "Seche Vite" quick drying top coat is a miracle in a bottle. Before it took my nails FOREVER (if ever) to dry. With Seche Vite it drys is 1 or 2 minutes. AMAZING. Where has it been my whole life? If u haven't tried it on ur nails ur missing out!!! I'll post a pic of it later.
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KRAZY for Konads

Here is my nails on day 3 with Konads. I'm having a blast Konading. Its just hard to do my dominant hand using the non dominant one. And I can't get all my stamps to work. Some do well and others do not. Oh, yeah. When I use pink or red polish I can't see it's position on the stamper too good making it hard to place. Anyone have ideas?
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Krazy for Konad

Here is the result of my practice night #2. Twas fun. Can't wait to get good at it so I can "pimp my nails"!!!
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:: Pimp My Nails ::

I gotta get like "pimp my nails" This is way TOO hot. Can you say WOO Honey! Plus I can't wait till payday to get this collection of colors. Oh my gosh, I am SO excited right now about doing my nails. Ha, it's funny too. I am laughing at myself!


:: Pimp My Nails ::

KRAZY for my Konads

I am loving my Konad. I stayed up and played with it all night and this is my result. Not that good yet but no one knows...they think it's nice and fancy...I do too. Can't wait to do more tonight. I was surprised of how difficult of a time it was to do the stamping. All the blogs and youtubes made it look so easy. Can't wait to get better at it! GO Konad. Go Konad!!!
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Detrimental to my Mental 1

This is going to be my new way of documenting my struggles with mental health. I guess this will be like a series, yeah a series. That sounds good. Hope someone will find some of this stuff helpful or interesting at least. For me, it is my way of journaling my VERY challenging struggles with my Depression and Anxiety, my stress, and my stressors, my life in therapy, and the therapy I experience just in living in life.

So here we go!
I had therapy with my case manager yesterday. As usual, I was a emotional wreck! I talked about how I feel so frustrated with my life and not being able to take care of my basic needs prevents me from "staying in the moment" or doing any other DBT techniques. Truthfully, the theory and technique overall just does not resonate with me. I just don't get it. It seems to be for white people with lives that are filled with pockets of opportunity to be in the world without worries. You know, not having to worry about how I'll continue to hide my car from repo, avoid getting in a accident or pulled over with no insurance on my LONG 2-way commute or wondering how I will bounce checks to get my meds for the month and how I will keep food in our mouths and gas in the car after paying rent and the bills. You know the real worries, the ones that no one else I know (white folks or married black folks) has these problems to worry about. So yes, they have time to let thoughts pass thru their minds like clouds and think about observing and describing the environment around them and/or inside. Even being that I feel this stuff is just impossible and dumb (for me),I still try to do it in a hopeless effort to feel better. To not be overwhelmed with emotion with every stressor or trigger (that could be as simple as a movie clip).

During this session, the therapist decided to start a social history on me to help her better understand me and oh boy, did I give IT to her! She had no clue that I had been thru so much in my life. She seemed to be really shocked but even being so, she tried to make me see the good and purpose in my life and what I do. She said for me to think about how much the foster youth that I work with really need me and how much I offer the system with my background of being in foster care myself. I try to think that way but most of the times (these days anyways) I feel like that is a crop of $hit and I am sacrificing myself and my sanity to do this work. This work forces me to think of my pain daily and that is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to give up on this job as a CPS social worker but then I think,"what else do I know how to do?". So I keep trucking, walking on eggshells though. I could crack anytime! Literally! and that is how I be feelin. I wonder if anyone else can relate to these feelings I have. I mean any other BLACK people or am I just messed up cause I caught this white peoples disease/condition from somewhere (maybe school, lol).

I went to the DBT group this week and they were talking more non sense. So ridiculous that I'd rather not even get into details. There was this one white woman there who was SO into it that it urked me. IDK, the shit is just stupid but I did learn or gain insight rather that it is impossible for me to regulate my emotions when I have so many unmet basic needs. I can not even begin to facade "PLEASE MASTER" skills if I don't have the means to do them. The case manager agreed but she may have just been stuck because she never heard anyone have this kind of insight about the DBT and why it is not working for me. So that concludes this weeks episode of Detrimental to my Mental...unless something outrageous happens, see ya next week or so.

HeY UM EXCITED

I got my Konad stamping started today. It was funny playing with the stamps trying to make them work (like the Konad bloggers).
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Guest Post. Put A Ring On It: Why I’m Not Single, And You Are

Dear Ladies,


I am married.


In fact, I am quite happily married. When my husband met me, I was 26, lived in a sparsely furnished 2 bedroom townhouse, an unemployed full time grad student (rent paid by a fellowship) and the single mother of a 7 year old boy. I drove a busted ass 1999 Alero that had a steering wheel held together with duct tape and my car radio consisted of a hole with a bunch of exposed wires. I got by, by bartering with my EBT card and fixing resumes. When I met my husband, he was employed full time as a manager for a Fortune 100 company. He owned 4 houses, his own business, an impressive stock portfolio and his credit score was (and still is) immaculate. His car not only had an intact steering wheel and radio, but was fully paid for. He is also 2.5 years my junior.
We often encounter people of the opposite sex who are – to put this delicately – out of our leagues, or “on another level.” But whether that level is beneath you or above you is irrelevant. There are no “leagues.” Tiger Woods married the fucking babysitter. Star Jones married a gay man. Point is, you’re single, and if you’re a woman, then I can bet you’re single and you don’t want to be. Maybe you’ve never been anywhere, maybe you’re on some blunts and bullshit, maybe you decided to go to school, become valedictorian of your class, graduated, started a school in Africa and a multimedia empire and looked up and realized you.are.still.single. (Oprah knows I’m talking to her).


I hear the squawking. “I don’t need no man, cluck cluck cluck.” “I can raise my kids by myself cluck cluck cluck.” “There aren’t any good men out there! Squawk!” And frankly, I’m unimpressed. I know the truth. And what you don’t realize is that THEY know the truth, too. They know it and they use it against us. So allow me to impart a few words of wisdom (in no particular order, as each one as important as the next) so that you, too, can stop fronting and get off your sad, single, why-can’t-i-find-a-good-man train, and get like me.
Read. Sun Tzu wrote a book called The Art of War. Its 4000 years old, and starts off with Sun Tzu cutting the heads off some concubines because they were being silly instead of listening to what the fuck he had to say. Don’t let that be you.
I also recommend Robert Green’s The 48 Laws of Power. These books were written about war, which is just an unfortunate manifestation of man’s innate drive for domination and domination’s opposite, submission. You need to be fluent in both domination and submission. It ain’t a game, son. Love is psychological warfare.
Learn how to cook. I’m already annoyed that I even had to SAY that, but there are many trifling, non cooking heauxs out there. I’m not saying you need to be MacGyver in the kitchen, but a good pot of spaghetti will get him right. In fact, it’s not just cooking. Learn how to clean, too, you nasty whores. Do you honestly keep your maxi pads in plain view? Can you at least wrap them in a tissue before you throw them away? See why he didn’t want to spend the night?
STFU. I think this is pretty self explanatory. There’s no science to shutting up. He’s not listening to you because if he had to listen to you every time you opened your mouth, he could NEVER DO ANYTHIING ELSE. STFU.
GET YOUR HEAD GAME RIGHT. I had no intention of typing that in all caps but I accidently hit the caps lock. Then it occurred to me that I should probably leave it that way. If you don’t do it, prepare yourself for a life of loneliness and misery cause once he finds out you don’t do it, he will find someone who will and leave you at home with your cats. And if you DO do it, be sure to check with your man to make sure you’re doing it right. I know far too many men who are suffering through bad head because they’re just happy to be here. Don’t treat his junk like corn on the cob. Wrap your lips around your teeth and suck, ladies. Bad head won’t get you to where you want to be (like me, remember?).
Be a woman. This simple sentence encompasses so many things. Don’t act like a man, or more specifically, a nigga. Thug dudes who like butch chicks are only masking homosexual tendencies. They don’t give a fuck about going to jail because that’s the only place man on man sex is socially acceptable. So if he likes your crotch grabbing, neck tats and amazing ability to chug dark liquor, then he might like Shake Weights and Skechers step ups, too. Point is, men don’t want to have to compete for Head of Household status with you. Tuck your nuts and sit your ass down somewhere.
And please, grow the fuck up. Don’t run around here telling your girlfriends all his business, tweeting about how yo baby daddy ain’t shit, and fighting girls in the club because they were “looking at you funny.” Who told you broads physical violence and property damage were cute? Don’t you know the club ain’t the real world? In the real world these are crimes, and people go to jail and get sued for committing crimes. Don’t you watch Judge Mathis?
This basically boils down to knowing your place. You KNOW when you’re not the only one, not the MAIN one, or not even in the running. Know your place and act accordingly, with class and grace.
These lessons were hard learned, this knowledge not easily earned. We all have been a friend with benefits, a girlfriend, someone’s heaux, a “friend,” an ex girlfriend who he still sleeping with, a baby mama, a jump off, a little secret, a beard (can’t fix that one for ya!), a stalker, the one being stalked, and even fiancés. And shit, this advice might not even work for you. You STILL might not get wifed*. My boy El Jugo said, “Everybody ain’t able.” But for those of you who are, go forth and get a damn ring on it.


*Theses suggestions still apply after you get married. Don’t get lazy, whores.


Your Friend in the Struggle,
Klkenned

05/27/10

I am sittin here all alone at the Cheesecake Factory, enjoying a drink and orderin take out cheesecake for the house! I'm watchin all these priviledged folk all around me with their expensive shoes and hand bags. Sickening! I wanna just rob them and take their bag of riches... To bad that's irrational. So I'll just sit here in my rags and dream about having riches. This is why I'm so sad all the time! Wishin for the life I never had. The one where I can afford to live it up (at least comfortably). Is that so bad? To wish for comfortable living? I mean really! Cuz the pay check to pay check thing is played! Hell I'm 33. Things should be stable now right? Guess not...
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Birthday celebrations

Three diff days celebrating my B-day all month!!! Happy B-day 2 me.
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IMG00034-20100524-1317.jpg

I cut my hair and I am mad about it!!! I started out trying to trim off some of the last of the loc extensions on my ends but I ended up A LITTLE scissor haPpy. Now I can't do my cute basket weaves anymore. I got to search you tube for some cute short styles. Hope it grows quick! And this time when it grows it will be all me!!! Yeppie!
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05/25/10

Do I love myself yet? NO. Did I fall in love with him yet? Uh NO!

Today I did not find the self love I've been searchin for. Instead I just become really conscious of the fact that I LOVE to eat but I HATE getting fat. FAT fatter and fatter is all I see. Makes me hate me and keeps me stuck in feeling unlovable or unworthy of love. I look at myself and then I think, who would want to be with me. I think about all my realities and I say "even I wouldn't want to marry me". Sad, absolutely no self love. But I love me some food. Lol. I hate me and I hate my life! Wanna trade? So, as far as love with "him". "He" is cute but "he" won't like me after he figures me out. Once he discovers my pitifulness! Some people are born wit a happy gene and some people are not. I was not. I think he was. He's one of those people who never get down and out. He says "everyday is a good day...". I say BULLSHIT. Every dam day is not good just cause I'm alive. REALLY? No, not really for me. Pretty face wit a "Beautiful Mind" (crazy mind) like the movie!!! What's a pretty face if its just a mask for ugliness and pain?
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Rainbow

The other day 04/29 I Saw the brightest prettiest rainbow ever. Here it is.
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04/29/10 vents

So I got several things on my mind today.
1)I am having a lot of anxiety today...heart palpitations. I have just been so fragile and emotional of late. Or for a while rather. Work and emotional instability DO NOT mix. I been thinking about walking out on my job and my life in general but that is just not rationale. I don't do it because my son really needs me and my income is what is holding our life together. It's not holding it together very well but it's holding.
2)These fools keep playing with me and my money...I did not get a full paycheck. Last pay period I did not get anything and I had a breakdown. Today I was expecting to get a full paycheck, pay my bills, and use some money to have a nice b-day but... But that is not going to happen (unless some kind of miracle occurs and that is unlikely)
3)I don't have nobody that I could depend on for help with some of these bills. Rent is going to go unpaid and the car note too. I don't think that is going to work! I might get evicted and my car might get repo'd this time because everything will be WAY too behind to even catch up by my next pay period and besides that there won't be enough funds to do it all. This is the pits! Do you know what "the pits" is like? It ain't cool!
4)but my crippled 55 yr old neighbor is trying to get with me (whatever that means). So he sends me a note saying how he admires me and asking if I get lonely to call him... Is this a booty call? Why in the hell is it that a handicapped old man thinks it is cool to ask me blatantly for some sex? Has it gotten that bad for me? Am I that fat and ugly these days. Is he going to pay a few bills? Doesn't sound like it, does it? LOL nothing. This is SO not funny! Anyway, he asking me for sex well I'm going to ask him to pay a bill or two.
5)So I recently started seeing this guy that I dated in Middle School. We've talked on the phone for about 4 years and just CONNECTED recently. And this situation got me SO ready to shit my pants. Yes, I am scarred shitless, you know I don't date often. I got all these emotions going on. I have these really bad self esteem issues that make me not want to be seen. How are we gone date if I do not want to be seen? Plus I am embarrassed about my financial situation and could never ask for help. OH, couldn't ask him if I wanted to is what I figured out last night. So does he want free milk too? So, he tells me that he has 5 children but he had unprotected with me last week. WTF, no wonder why he is working 2 jobs! He barely got any time and not I find out he doesn't have any money either. It doesn't help that I am such a dreamer. I have been listening to Ray J, "Let's Play House" all day on repeat wishing that someone would say these things to me. I am kidding myself.
6)another thing, Big Texas is calling again. Yes after standing em up or completely abandoning me rather 2 times he's back and I initiated the contact (before I reached out to the middle school guy). This is really a sick thing. Like an addiction. He had everything I want in a husband except he had bad breath and a mean streak. LOL nothing! This is not even funny. Just crazy. What am I gone do?
7)I'm pose to be going out of town with my club again this weekend but my money is funny! Funnier than usual. If I go I will definitely be spending that already short check. Yes the one that won't cover the rent, the car note, or the car insurance placing me further in the hole and closer to being homeless and careless. In addition, my son finally told me why he is uncomfortable staying with his father while I am gone wildin out. He said that his father made him sit down and watch his sister open gifts on Christmas but he did not get to open not one and he did not come through on his b-day either. Oh, now I am pissed! Now I know that my son really needs me and his dad is NO HELP AT ALL making my support system the size of a atom. Tough life ay? Yes, I think so.

Who do I talk to? Not my new boo, Nah, I'll run that ass away! The old man? Big Texas? LOL, nothing, non of this shit is funny.

Daddys eyes

I have my daDdy's light brown eyes. LOok inside...what do u see? I see confusion and suffering. Wish I saw confidence and privledge but I don't. I want love through companionship so bad that it torments me. 33 years old with no male companionship! Its sad. But it is near impossible to learn to love myself. Self love...is it inate or acquired.
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I'm @ the LAX Hilton

CMB has arrived!!! We made it about 11:00pm and I drove us thru the Grapevine. It was horrifying but we made it safe. Thank you God. Were having a blast just enjoying each others company and me? I'm enjoying all the FAB ulous ity!!! Luvin it. Great get away. So we could not get into the skate party, so it has just been all chillin. My blog is about my life and falling in love. Not nec about this whole part of my life (my social club/bike club) but it all tied into itself. So earlier I LOVED my hair, remember? UH. Well, after being called the pretty Medusa by a different CMB member I wet it with hope that it will look different tomorrow. Maybe I really did not like it. Or maybe, it did not get me enuf positive attention. Whichever, the curls will be gone by tomorrow. We will juS have to sEe what happens. Bye for now Blog land.
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My first pipe cleaner experience

After
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My first pipe cleaner curl experience

Before
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My first pipe cleaner set experience

The process was not difficult at all. I jus wrapped my locs around the pipe screws. If someone is interested in my prefered method I'll do my best to make a photo tutorial. I jus wish I owned a hooded dryer.

So the finish product. Not bad huh? Well It took away a lot of my length but I like it. I was inspired by all the nice tutorials I found (no specifics plus I don't know how to post a link and give props the proper way, Maybe sumday sum1 wiLl DROP Me a LinE and lesson on it). Anyhow, I'm on my way to LA wit my social club. I'm excited. Driven highway 5 listening to Mary J # 10 for the second time (it is the knock!). This is real sisterhood...for now. Lol. One of my club sisters jus told me my has looked like Medusa. Medusa??? Not cool, why would I wanna look like I got Fukin snakes on my head? Oh well, I still love my hair, its poppin 2 me and imma ROC it like the real loc rocker! I'll send more pics. First stop, the skatin party!!! Yippie
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CRYING

So I am sitting here crying over a man who could care less about me. I am in love with a person who is not me. I miss him and long to be with him and no one else will do. But. But. It's been a year and he has not come back. Instead he stood me up telling me he was coming back but never showed but I still ... Dam I still miss him SO MUCH. I been thru this before and it takes me years to recover from. That is NOT okay though. I'm too old for this shit! I'm just sad
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Today honey! Woo

Dear digital diary and guest, today was cool. I got tested a few times by co-workers but I weathered the storm! My cousin from Arkansas came thru and we drank some dark liquor. It was good and now I am just a little dRunk. As for the Quest...am I making progress? I don't feel like I am. I feel stuck in this world where only the good men are lost and can't be found. The ones like my dad was. Dem men don't come like that anymore.
4-15-10 WOO HONEY!!! Today was a hot ghetto mess which means I cried a river today. I was distraught to learn that I got no paycheck and my disability came but they want me to send it back because they overpaid me. I can't do that. I don't know what the repercussion will be but dam! Today. I share my water pomade with my coworkers. Now everyone is on it. I swear it is a miracle product. It will tame and lay down the nappiest nap and make it look like u got a permed of good hair. It's like old skool "Jam" but thicker. It holds better and does not build up. Its great. I had a headache today. A bad one so I cAme home early and took a nap.
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WOO HONEY!!!

Today, I had one of THOSE days. Yes one of those. Began with a flat tire that made my rose colored glasses fall off my face... Forced to face the fact that I have absolutely NO support system. not familial, Financial, or community. God blessed. He made things happen and though I had No money when I left home, I got a used tire and $10 to spare when it was all said and done. Not without being a emotional wreck at work which is totally embarrassing. I know those people think I'm such a Quack. Little do they know, I think the same thing. I got this cow skin purse that was HOT! Today I noticed that it caught allepesha and has bald spots on the sides. I need to buy a new bag and can't afford one right now.

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Then I come home and my teenager who is moody, feels entitled to absolutely everything for absolutely nothing. Gosh, I just need a hug! I got a shit load of bills... Wore my knee high boots for the first time and they hurt my feet really bad. After all the drama I ended up throwing on the black K-swiss I had in my gym bag with a dress.

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I am fat, can't lose no dam weight, I'm not dating but I want to. Just a mess! Woo honey, what imma do? DBT (google it) says focus on breathing instead of the past or the future...be mindful Khyla. Be mindful!
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Feeling low tonight

Well today I had a appointment with the Psychiatrist. We talked about my many medications and he prescribed me another one. I'm really feelin a lil tired of taken all these pills! I mean I absolutely HATE swallowing pills! So it is troubling me to have to take all these pills morning and night. I know there are a lot of black folks who refuse Psychotropic medications for one reason or the other and my one reason is the headache of swallowing pills day and night. Having to remember to take all these doses...too much dam responsibility!!! I'm doin it now but I getting tired, exhausted, and depressed about all of it. Just wish I could be a person who did not have these troubles. What do you think? What would you do? I wanna be sane and function in the world... Does anyone even understand my psychobabble? Well this is the real life of a young black educated attractive lady with bipolar II illness. I get highs and lows and both moderately disable me. Like today, I'm sad. No real reason, just down about my life overall and how much I am dissatisfied with my life. But other days I am uppIty too much... You'll see. I have been thinking of whether or not my blog is working for me. On this Blog I diary about ALL my issues. My hair issues and my issue with mental illness and the only relation they have to one another is that they are both facets of my Quest to find self love. But can others relate to this? I'm thinking not. So far anyways. Well I want advise and commentary but I can also offer a lot of advise and commentary. I know SO much about this thing white folk call "mental illness". Do I got the white mans disease? How did I catch it? Too much education? Lol. WOO Honey chile, this is complicated. As is my blog designing skills, background and header. Night now!
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Help

Gosh, I haven't a clue about how to fix up my blog. I think I messed it up and I do not know how to fix it... Help someone

My fav hair products

These are the product I rave about. "MY" miracle loc regime!!!
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04/09/10- non traditional loc rocker

Today thanks to "Loc Rocker" I learned about the "The 5 stages of locs/dreads"! They are as follows:

1. Coils — Coils resemble tightly coiled springs that look like baby spirals and can be as small as a watch spring or fluid and loose as fusilli. Hair can be as short or as long as one likes. The key factor here is that your hair is able to form and hold a coil, but the hair within the coil has not yet begun to intertwine or mesh.

2. Sprouts and Buds — Known as Sprouting or Budding ins that miraculous moment when the magic has begun. First, you shampoo your hair and notice that all of a sudden, the coils don't all wash out like they used to. You may notice that some of your coils have little knots of hair in them, about the size of a small pea. This knot is more or less the nucleus of each lock; the hairs in your coils have begun to intertwine and interlace. Individual coils may seem puffy and lose their tightly coiled shape; this is part of the process and shouldn't be disturbed. What is important here is to keep the original scalp partings, to allow the spinning process to become established for each individual lock. Don't redivide your budding locks, twist them to death, or get to patting them down, trying to make your hair look "nice," because you'll just end up with a badly packed, busted-out do.

3. Teen or Locking Stage — This is when the buds and sprouts truly begin to look like locks and few, if any, locks shampoo out or come out during sleep. The peas you saw and felt in the budding stage have expanded, and the hair has spun into a network of intertwining strands that extend throughout the length of individual locks. The locks may be soft and pliable or feel loosely meshed, according to your hair's texture. This is the growing stage of lock development, and it extends into the lock's mature stage. Shampooing doesn't loosen these locks. They have dropped, which means they have developed enough to hang down versus defying gravity. This is when you start to relax and feel more confident about locking.

4. Mature Stage — Each individual lock is firmly meshed or tightly interwoven. Some loosely coiled hair textures may retain a small curl or coil at the end of the locks, but most will probably be closed at the ends. You will begin to see consistent growth because each lock has intertwined and contracted into a cylindrical shape. Think of each individual lock as a hair strand in itself. The new growth is contained in the loose hair at the base or root of each individual lock, and regular grooming encourages it to spin into an intertwined coil that will be integrated with the lock.

5. Beyond Maturity — Think of this stage as akin to the shedding stage of hair growth. After many years, depending on the care you have lavished on your locks, some locks may begin to thin and break off at the ends. For the most part, this deterioration can be minimized and controlled by monitoring the ends of your locks for signs of age and getting regular trims. The 5 stages of locs/dreads.

So, I wanted to share about my journey through the stages. My journey was non traditional because I started out 4 years ago with loc extensions. I can only talk about my journey and the stages because I just never was thoughtful enough to document my journey. I wish I had of because it is all kinda neat! Well here it goes.

1. Coils — I never had coils. I resented the whole coils look and I thought I would be ugly with hair so short. I always wanted loc's but I dreaded starting them with coils because I think my face is just too fat. Hell, my body too. So, I cheated and I went to the shop "Nappy or Not" in Oakland, CA and paid $400 to get loc extensions. I actually did it impulsively. My dad had just died and I had a lot of pain on the inside. I felt like I was changed on the inside and I wanted my outside to reflect a new person. Kinda like a rebirth. I reinvented myself. From LONG curly weave to Loc rocker in one day. My family thought I had lost my mind (they still do). Maybe I did and IT IS GREAT!

2. Sprouts and Buds — So, my new growth grew quickly after getting loc extensions but the "Sprouting or Budding" took a long time to begin. I was twisting and twisting and twisting before I ever saw a bud. I thought my hair was too something (didn't know what)to loc. It took SO LONG. I went from shop to shop trying to find someone or something (product)that would hold my new growth in the twist and start to stay. It was REALLY a "miraculous moment when the magic began". The first sign that my hair COULD loc and my locs did not shampoo out or come out during my sleep like it used to, I was so happy! All the work and money I put into these dam locs!!! Definitely non traditional! At first I was feeling like I had made a poor decision and I had been defeating the (WHOLE)purpose and reason I had gotten the loc's in the first place, (to not have to pay for or waste anytime in a hair shop).

3. Teen or Locking Stage — I remember that this is the stage when I started to love my loc's. This is when they stopped being a pain in my neck! The really did stop looking stiff and defying gravity. This is when they relaxed causing me to relax and I began to feel more confident about locking. Now, I have the product that is perfect for ME. (You know the one that holds MY hair!) It too is non-traditional (not made for or typically used on loc'd hair) but I love it. It's called "Water Wax"(picture soon). It smells SO GOOD (like fruit) and it holds my new growth twisted well. My natural hair locs within a reasonable amount of time and there is no flakes or itching. Just GREAT (for me)! No promises it will be perfect for you...lol

4. Mature Stage — Today my locks are all tightly interwoven. I could not comb these things out. They are REALLY in there! They have a cylindrical shape and each individual lock is a hair strand in itself. My "new growth is contained in the loose hair at the base or root of each individual lock" and I can now enjoy regularly grooming my looks to keep me lookin good!

5. Beyond Maturity — I only think I've achieved this stage because some of my loc's have thinned (but never broke off at the ends). I married a couple before and it has since grown out. After it grew thick and long again I separated the marriage by cutting one of them off. For the most part, I don't get much deterioration despite my constant coloring. My hair has always been thick like a lion’s mane and nothing but PERM could ever break it! I still regularly trim off because I have a small amount of extension remaining in the ends of some.

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Tell me about your journey.

Can't sleep

I'm awake and I am mad about it! I did my hair in two basket weaves because when I do one I look like a alien. Well, I gots no sleep meds and my mind is ON. I will take a photo of my hair tomorrow. I am sittin here dreamin about all of my goals and ambitions. I wanna write a book for black people about mental illness...I want to foster a child...I want to become a behavior coach or a life coach and practice pre-licensed. I can't wait to get me Marriage and Family therapist license (you know to have a side gig)! But I already spend too much time away from my son so IDK when I'll have time to do these things. Woo honey, my life is so stressful! The whole commute thing is CRAZY!
I been strugglin so hard to eat healthy (low carbs) to lose weight. I weigh so much... That makes me sad so let's refocus (on something positive or pleasant).
Cool, I've backed out the tunnel by "observing" sensations in my body and describing them in my mind. Um, that reminds me...I had a format that I was suppose to follow. Since I forgot, I haven't done any affirmations all week long. Guess I can handle that right now!
Black people!!! Attention! BLACK PEOPLE. Give me suggestions about how I can reach out to my people and work and get them to relate to the idea of seeking mental health treatment vs staying in line with religious and cultural biases. How can I combine the three creating a less stigmatic treatment. Help folks! WOO HONEY chile what is a sista to do? Stay tuned!
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04/06/10

Longtime no post! Anyhow, I been playing around with the locs a lot. Tryna use what I've learned on the tutorials I see here! I'm so lovin it! I didn't quite get it the same as the tutorial but it came out cute and very different than anything I ever wore. I got a ton of compliments! People were really surprised...pleasantly I mean and that was PRETTY COOL!!!
I am sittin here wit my girl who has to meet with a Family Law mediator. We are in the waiting room and I am trippin how all the baby mommas and daddy's are sittin separate and you can tell that they are steamin HOT! Lol. Oh, the tension in the room is so thick I can cut it with a knife! This aint even my case but I am on edge. Woo honey chile, I can't wait to get outta here.
So the mediator comes out and my girl surprises me wit the " can my friend come in to help me understand...I got disabilities" spill. OMG, that was NOT what she and I discussed! I got out of it cause the father was unwilling to agree to my presence. Gosh, this is my off day and I'm still having to be a social worker on my spare time...ah NO. Not my idea of a break from work!
So my friends and fAmily think that I am their personal therapist or Social Worker just because I that is the type of work I do. Well, that is not okay with me! Not what I signed up for, you know!
Well now I'm here waitin to hear all about how it (my friends mediation wit her UGLY ASSED, 50year old baby daddy)goes. Can't wait! I sure hope she can hold it together in there cause honestly, homegirl got sum loose screwbuls (poor impulse control, and emotion regulation skills). But I could not do it for her! If I did she will never build the skills or the confidence to do anything for herself. And besides that, youi all know, I got my own issues and I'm one step away from crackin myself. Lol. It is the truth!
Anyways, I'm back to work and it is hard bein gone all day. I have been exhausted, mostly mentally. Woo, honey something has got to give and two months off just did not cut it!!! Peace Bloggers until we meet again.
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Last day of group make-up

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04/01/10

FEELINGS: I feel okay. a little lazy to post but I haven't posted in a few days. Overall, I am okay. Maybe a little manic. LOL, I was SO MARY (my crazy mother who moves furniture and piles and piles of cloths from one room to another constantly). I got my dolly and I pulled the wicker dresser that I got from freecycle up a flight of stairs all alone. When I got it into the living room, my son was sitting his lazy ass here at the computer. If I hadn't of asked he was gone let me pull it up the second flight without any help as well. Kinda hurt my feelings that he did not offer to help his mom moving a heavy piece of furniture all alone. What is this world coming to?

GOALS: My goals for this week seem to have been on hold or unconscious today. I easily lose sight of what the hell I am suppose to be focused on. I have not thought about managing my emotions today. Maybe, it is because I just did not have any distressing emotions today. I have been worrying about returning to work though. Monday is the BIG DAY! G1) no mood log yesterday. I'll do it tonight. G2) gotta practice affirmations tonight too. I believe that I practiced them one time yesterday. G3) no compliments of any men, I have not seen any...or noticed them rather. G4)no work out yesterday or today. I put on cloths for working out but I did not feel too good so I never made it to the gym today.

My AFFIRMATIONS: http://www.sucessconciousness.com
1) everything is getting better every day.
2) I have a wonderful and satisfying job.
3) I radiate love and happiness.
4) my body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.
5) my thoughts are under my control.
6) I am happy because happy thoughts attract happy people.
7) I am successful because nurturing a feeling of success attracts into your life.
8) I imagine myself as fabulous because the image I have of myself is responsible for the way people see and treat me.
9) Success is flowing into my life.
10) every time I inhale, I fill myself with energy of prosperity.
11) many money channels are opening for me.

COPING SKILLS: No success doing these things. I will try to do them all right now.

SUMMARY: The week is coming to an end and I have not done very well meeting these goals, I don't think. I need to work harder on these things if I want success??? but I know I do. I just don't quite know how to stay focused on these boring things even though they are suppose to help keep me sane.

3/30/10

FEELINGS: Today I have been feeling a lot of physical pain. I have no idea why I am always in pain and I looked at the labs today and they were all normal. Not that I want to be sick but I really do wish I knew what was wrong so that I can treat it some kind of way. if I don't know what is wrong I can't fix it (right?). Anywho, emotionally, i have been pretty distracted by all the physical pain. It is all in my joints, my legs where they meet my hips and my right arm from the finger tips to the should joint, all day, intermittently. so saddening.

GOALS: My goals for this week are to better get in touch with how to manage my emotions and get ready to be back at work. To accomplish that I stated that I'd... G1) complete a mood log 1x per day this week and G2)practice affirmations 1x per day this week. G3) I want to compliment @least 1 man this week and G4)work out for 45min @ least 3x this week. G1 I missed on yesterday but I did one today because thee was a CBT group today and we completed one during the group. I have to work on this. G2 I practiced the affirmations that i picked out 3 times yesterday and @ times today. I plan to read it one more time before bed!

My AFFIRMATIONS: http://www.sucessconciousness.com
1) everything is getting better every day.
2) I have a wonderful and satisfying job.
3) I radiate love and happiness.
4) my body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.
5) my thoughts are under my control.
6) happy thoughts attract happy people.
7) nurturing a feeling of success attracts into your life.
8) the image you have of yourself is responsible for the way people see and treat you.
9) Success is flowing into my life.
10) every time I inhale, I fill myself with energy of prosperity.
11) many money channels are opening for me.

G3 I could not complete because I did not see any guys to compliment... then again that may be a lie. I did not notice any guys... I will try harder tomorrow even if it's complimenting a ugly fella on his cologne or outfit or a old guy in my group or something. Last but not least, G4, I took Zumba yesterday for one hour and it was really hard! i am sooo out of shape it is not even funny. Work in progress but it is a REAL trauma!

COPING SKILLS: I can't recall my thought stopping. It is so hard to stop thoughts in real time. Maybe that is why I need to complete the mood log to practice noticing my negative thoughts in real time. Major challenge!!! The only time I really trip is when it's too late and the thoughts have already became emotionally painful and hurtful. I need major work on my "catch it, check it, and Change it" skills. if a female can't catch it... how am I going to create this detour sign in my mind? Right! not likely. Affirmations are going okay. I been reciting them aloud trying to pep myself up. UHH, don't know how that's going... don't feel anything different yet...LOL. I will try to visualize myself success tonight before i go to bed.

SUMMARY: So I guess overall the day went okay. I am on a count down to return to work status and boy oh boy am I nerved up bout that! My son was sick with allergies today and he had to come home sick. I am feeling really bad for my kid suffering so bad during allergy season.
I am bummed about the lab test results and not knowing why my body hurts all the time...
I was rockin these stinky mildew boots.. the only boots I managed to salvage from the fire. I thought, if I can smell them myself while sitting in a classroom...I know others can smell them. I only hope the odor is not offensive to others.

um, now my mom is calling, my nephew got expelled or suspended today for doing something inappropriate with his private part or a little girls...IDK let me see what she will burden my already damaged heart with today... and I allow this, what a co-dependent... Bye now blogworld

03/29/10

Top of the week and its crunch time! To add more structure and purpose to my shares I thought I'd start a format. So here it goes.

FEELINGS: Today I feel all over the place. My emotions seem to be ambivalent. I feel sad but I'm not feeling inclined to cry...almost feels like I can't cry but I been smiling even tho I hurt a bit on the inside. Mostly I am nervous about work but also worried about the more practical things like bill paying and chores.

GOALS: My hope is that this week I can get better in touch with my plans to manage my emotional rollercoastering so I'll be ready for anything at work and be successful from here on out. More specifically my goals are to
1) complete a mood log 1x per day this week and
2)practice affirmations 1x per day this week.
3) I want to compliment @least 1 man this week and
4)work out for 45min @ least 3x this week. I'll keep u posted on my success completing G1 -G4

COPING SKILLS: thought stopping- when I start to think negative or painful thoughts I will "catch it, check it, and Change it" creating a detour sign in my mind! I learned the 3 C's today. Just a matter of remembering all these things (in real time especially!) I am going to use the affirmations I choose to help pep myself up daily. I will then visualize myself successful and well! All of these things are opposite actions from the things that come natural for me to do (I.e. Beat myself up). I need to remind myself to be as kind to myself as I would a friend. I want to befriend myself.

AFFIRMATIONS: http://www.sucessconciousness.com
1) everything is getting better every day.
2) I have a wonderful and satisfying job.
3) I radiate love and happiness.
4) my body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.
5) my thoughts are under my control.
6) happy thoughts attract happy people.
7) nurturing a feeling of success attracts into your life.
8) the image you have of yourself is responsible for the way people see and treat you.
9) Success is flowing into my life.
10) every time I inhale, I fill myself with energy of prosperity.
11) many money channels are opening for me.

SUMMARY: I am amazed by how many affirmations I ended up with (far more than five). Now I need to say these everyday and wait for the doors to start to open for me. Good luck to me!
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03/28/10

Hello Blog World! This is my new hair doo. I was tryna wave it up but this is how it turned out...slightly wavy but wild. Hopefully it will keep the wave for a few days. Maybe it did not hold the wave because I did not wash my hair clean...I just wet it. Well we will have to see how it turn out!

Moodwise, I been hanging in there (no tears) but I'm really feelin worried bout all the situations... You know. Life! This is my life!
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03/26/10

Today was interesting in a weird way. I woke up feeling tired as usual! Was feeling a liTtle okay at group. I had smiles and everything. Haven't had those in a few months now. I felt like smiling for a little while but later felt a bit bad. I felt SO fat and ugly and hopeless! I Officially broke my diet (MAJOR!) Then found that all the sacrifices I thought I'd made for the last 3 weeks and I've gained weight. I felt really fat and then the scale confirmed it for me. Then I called Disability and found that no money is on the way. That was the straw. Know I'm really sad about my financial situation! Have not paid no bills and rent is due next week, we got no food and no bail out either. I got 20$ to my name. Ooh and now, (after all that) I don't feel so well. My dam legs are restless and I'm hurtin all over. Woo, I needs miracle! And they wonder why I'm always on the verge of depression!!! Life sucks!
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03/25/10

HELLO Bloggers! Today was a okay day. I think I had a lot of clarity when I spoke in grouptoday. My thoughts seemed really clear about my suffering. Most days I'm so distressed that I am not all the way clear about what exactly my problem is and maybe it's not as clear cut as I'd like it to be. Maybe, I am confused on some days for valid reasons like just a plan ole chemical imbalance. Just feeling bad because of my brain not a external event. Well, I could not say for sure which one it is exactly!

Today I was trippin off the absence of black and brown presence in the Mental Health programs. Makes me think! Most black folk just aren't caught dead getting Mental Health help but does that mean they don't need it? Don't know but I do know one thing, I feel like a QUACK to be amongst the few black folks with mental issues bad enough to need help! This really frustrates me! Well, it is what it is and I don't have the answers and solutions to each and every thing that concerns or troubles me so why ponder.

So anyways, I touched up my color a bit a few minutes ago. Then I threw it back in a pony. I hope it don't fall out cuz I did not use any water for this semi-permanent color touch up job. I just poured the color on a cotton pad and rub it on the roots where the color had begun to fad. I think my hair is strong enough to take it. Hope I'm right. I'm just lazy is all! Wash and twist, TONIGHT? Uhh NO! That's whaT I ain't gone do. I'll take the risk. I know my hair can weather a storm. Hell, I've done worst things to them and they are still hanging. After reading other blogs about locs, I realize that I am doing a totally different thing with my locs than the other loc rockers. Everything I do is different from the products I use, to the styles I have been wearing. OMG, I have been totally missing the whole loc movement going on out there. But now that I am online (blogging)I am loving getting skool'd. The tutorials are "THE BIDNESS" and all the pictures and post...priceless. I'm diGgin it yall. I am!

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Depressed

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Another attempt on the Basketweave-2

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Another attempt on the Basketweave

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03/19/10 my oldest sister's B-day @ da movies

We had fun @ the movie theater. Don't I gotta big head! It's like DAM!!! I'm right in front of Tracy Morgan, behind Jim Carey...

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03/22/10- 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

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03/23/10 #2

So today was on a emotional roller coaster! but the good news is (or not so good news), is that I made it through the day! Hip Hip! Hooray (yes I broke out the hip hip hooray). so now I am going to take my emotional ass to bed early but I wanted to post on my "no body is following" no body cares blog. LOL! No really this beats Facebook posting to people who actually know me. Now, I have a place where I can be totally honest with myself and the public. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some feedback one day and if not... Let's just say at least I have a place to diary now and document my CRAZY crazy life!

Truth is, I cried a river today at group. I cried for ABOUT 2 HOURS straight. Guess I better get it all out because I go back to work on 04/04/10 and hell, won't be no dam time for tears after that! I guess I am getting a bit of anxiety about returning to work and besides that I got stood up SOoooO BAD today. I don't even know why I try anymore with men. Seems like a chronic "NO GO" and for me it is rocket science in that I just can't get it right. To get even a little hope that this man from Texas who left me with no notice or explaination a year ago was going to keep his word (this time) and show up all the way in Cali for "ME" was, can I say "STU...PID". Negative thinking...cognitive distortions...I say nah these are facts. I just don't get it and I am Str8 running out of time to get it. Imma be old and shribbled by the time I find love. I'll be 50 talking bout baby give me some of your old ass sperm so we can have a baby with down syndrome or something or I'll be beggin some young Bitch to carry my baby (bump beggin, I'll be paying!). Anywho, I gotta get it together. Please pray for me! WOO Honey!

By the way. Did you see my "fake ass", "wanna be", "trying too hard" ass basketweave? Ha ha ha. Cute huh? "A" for effort right??? Like men, imma get right! Imma be a pro! Pee* Aar* rOw. PRO!

03/23/10- Today I am Depressed

So I put on all this make-up and now I feel SO sad! I feel ugly like a clown, like I got on this costume and what's underneath is a monster. I am yelling like a crazy animal inside! What do you do with feelings like these? IDK so I'm just gone cry. I'm really feeling emotional right about now. I hope the day gets better. So, I made it here to group even though I wanted to rip off my cloths wipe this clown face off and curl up in bed. So I guess I'll go inside now...
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03/22/10-Fifteen Ways To Untwist Your Thinking

http://cognitivetherapymd.com/Links/Fifteen.htm

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03/22/10 -Daily Mood Log*

http://74.125.93.132/search?q=cache:4wO5tPRnQm0J:www.wilsontherapy.com/userfiles/29057/file/daily_mood_log.doc+mood+log&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&ie=UTF-8&client=ms-rim

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3/22/10

I always end up logging about my day at 12am the next day while “The Wendy Williams Show” watches me and waiting for my sleep meds to kick in. This seems to be the only time I can find to complet a blog entry, in a structured way anyways. Well let me begin to report my day. Today's lessons involved learning to set limits and boundaries on relationships that are not good for me, learning how to recognize and change distorted thoughts that keep me depressed and unhappy, and how to increase my self esteem. I SO learned a lot today!
I have no idea how I am to fill you in on every little detail. I'll try though. It will be good for me to remind myself of what I've learned and document it for future reference. Here it goes.

Not setting any boundaries with my mom is VERY toxic for me. I gotta set some limits soon or I'm gone have a real break down! In group, examples were offered of things I could say to her like, limiting our talk time to 10 minutes per week, tell her to change the subject because I am burdened by our conversations since there is nothing I can do right now, recommend she talk to a therapist about her problems... All very hard things to say to my mom but I know that something has got to be done! Man my Mom's has this control thing over me! She likes making me feel sorrow, remorse, and guilt. All very painful things. Never happy feelings. So, what's a girl to do?


The other thing I learned is a way to try changing the damaging negative things I think about. The self talk that keeps me feeling bad about myself. I am very good at this! Not so good at changing. So, have u ever done a mood log? Check it out.
(see my link under the mood log post)

I think it's cool, for people who really have the time to complete it each time they experience a emotional or upsetting situation or event. What functional adult has this time? Right! Anyways I'm going to do the best I can and not can (garbage can I mean) my best! LOL

Well this is what it is all about. These are the steps to complete for the purpose of changing negative thoughts to positive ones and make life a bit easier and more pleasant.

1) Identify the upsetting situation
2) Identify the distressing emotions the situation is causing you.
3) Identify the negative thoughts that fuel those emotions. (i.e. I am stupid, I'll never meet my goals...)
3) Identify all the cognitive distortions and beliefs behind those negative thoughts and feelings. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/
4) use the Untwist your thinking skills. http://cognitivetherapymd.com/Links/Fifteen.htm
5) Identify your new positive thoughts after using the untwisting skills.


Confusion Ah? Well, get at me if your interested and I'll break it down better..
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03/19/10 #2

03/20/10. Ok so today was a trip! This guy text me out the blue and he went bad on me for NO good reason at all. I was really upset by the things he siad to me via text (might I add). He said something about me being a "super woman" and him having to "Oh Oh Oh Oh leave me alone". I don't really know exactly what he meant by this but it sure hurt my feelings. Basically, I think he was tryna clown... Sayin I'm too self sufficient or something. It sounds ridiculous but it is the truth that a lot of guys won't date me because of my accomplishments. How (in the hell) can a woman be too accomplished to date? It sucks but I meet a shitload of insecure men who want to fuck and then leave me alone cuz I have 2 degrees! So sad. What's a girl to do?
I admit that some of this is my fault. I'm learning that slowly but surely. Day by day, I realize more and more that dysfunctional tendecies are keeping me not only from happiness but from love. Yesturday, I gained some more insight about the negative consequences of being a perfectionist. In fact, perfectionism is one of the most common self-defeating beliefs. I kinda knew that but I did not "know know" that my being a perfectionist and striving to be successful was such a bad thing for me. Yes, it helped me get my Masters but it has also kept me from having a healthy relationship with myself and/or others. This is very bad considering that I hope to get married someday soon.
Basically, I got ANOTHER thing to add to my list of behaviors to change. Hell, I gotta find a whole new way of being. So this is what I learned on 3/19/10. I learned that there is a real difference between "the healthy pursuit of excellence" and perfectionism and I am "A perfectionist". Turns out I never had a chance because perfectionists people are never happy or satisfied with themselves, their acheivements, and their relationships with others. Those who pursue excellence in a healthy way "see failure as an oppurtunity for growth and learning". I must strive to pursue excellence in a more healthy way by

1) feeling motivated by feelings of enthusiasm instead of by fear of failure,

2)feeling joy and satisfaction by all my efforts towards accomplishments,

3) feeling that worthwhile/good for me people will accept me as I am and I do NOT have to earn love,

4) feeling unafraid to make mistakes and seeing failure as a oppurtunity for growth instead of being self-critical and thinking I'm a failure as a human being,

5) feeling unafraid to be vulnerable (vrs strong and in control of emotions at all time) and share my feelings with others.

Having a perfectionist mind set is not worth it. Accepting myself will bring me far less grief and will help me establish closer relationships. So, the moral of the story is ACCEPT ONE'S FLAWS and SHORTCOMINGS WITHOUT a SENSE of SHAME. I'll tell myself this daily!
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03/19/10

Reflecting upon the day so far, I am learning a lot about how to build my self esteem. I have to re-parent myself, not allowing me to beat myself up with negative self talk. And I needa do this A WHOLE lot because it takes 200 positive messages to combat one negative message a person gets or gives themselves! Each time my mind tries to take me to a negative place I need not tolerate it. I will stop thinking about it and CHOOSE something else to think about! Not sure I'd use a reframing, affirmation thing at that moment because I really think that is cheesy and does NOT work! It's useless and Crazy, to simply start an arguement with my mind (I am ugly. No ur not, yes I am...). Not my speed! Anyhow, trying something beats trying nothing!!! So I'll be thought stopping and using affirmations as often as I think of it because practice makes perfect right? I'm thinkin if I practice sayin ,"I am a good person going thru a difficult time". Eventually, I will know it so well, I'll think it effortlessly. Ideally! Anyway, I am back to group to learn more ways to teach myself self-love since my parents failed me in that area. K.
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03/18/10

Today was a very interesting day! I talked a lot about how my family is in disarray! It makes me really frustrated and it makes me sad, too. However, I know that I need to let go of things I can't control and the way people in my family choose to be is surely outside of my control. I learned that the sooner the better I "let go" to free up energy for me to work on the things in my life that I do have control over. See I have allowed my family to keep me stuck for far too long. All the manipulation, guilt trips,coersion, persuasion and worry. All the drama. All the sadness, pain, and tears have kept me in a constant state of being distress about a issue that I have no power to change! But my goal is to gain more control over my own life. Pushing myself to control what I can not has takin up so much of my time and mental energy that I have absolutely no control over my life at all. Let go! Let go I say. People places and things are those I can't control and need not try. If I accept what I can't change I will have more mental energy and empower myself to work towards changing the things I can. Like structure at home, boundaries and limits in relationshiips, and controlling raw emotions, not engaging them when temptations are stroNg. I believe this whole heartedly. God grant me the serinity ...
This was the hightlight of my day. All else was uneventful.
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