This is going to be my new way of documenting my struggles with mental health. I guess this will be like a series, yeah a series. That sounds good. Hope someone will find some of this stuff helpful or interesting at least. For me, it is my way of journaling my VERY challenging struggles with my Depression and Anxiety, my stress, and my stressors, my life in therapy, and the therapy I experience just in living in life.
So here we go!
I had therapy with my case manager yesterday. As usual, I was a emotional wreck! I talked about how I feel so frustrated with my life and not being able to take care of my basic needs prevents me from "staying in the moment" or doing any other DBT techniques. Truthfully, the theory and technique overall just does not resonate with me. I just don't get it. It seems to be for white people with lives that are filled with pockets of opportunity to be in the world without worries. You know, not having to worry about how I'll continue to hide my car from repo, avoid getting in a accident or pulled over with no insurance on my LONG 2-way commute or wondering how I will bounce checks to get my meds for the month and how I will keep food in our mouths and gas in the car after paying rent and the bills. You know the real worries, the ones that no one else I know (white folks or married black folks) has these problems to worry about. So yes, they have time to let thoughts pass thru their minds like clouds and think about observing and describing the environment around them and/or inside. Even being that I feel this stuff is just impossible and dumb (for me),I still try to do it in a hopeless effort to feel better. To not be overwhelmed with emotion with every stressor or trigger (that could be as simple as a movie clip).
During this session, the therapist decided to start a social history on me to help her better understand me and oh boy, did I give IT to her! She had no clue that I had been thru so much in my life. She seemed to be really shocked but even being so, she tried to make me see the good and purpose in my life and what I do. She said for me to think about how much the foster youth that I work with really need me and how much I offer the system with my background of being in foster care myself. I try to think that way but most of the times (these days anyways) I feel like that is a crop of $hit and I am sacrificing myself and my sanity to do this work. This work forces me to think of my pain daily and that is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to give up on this job as a CPS social worker but then I think,"what else do I know how to do?". So I keep trucking, walking on eggshells though. I could crack anytime! Literally! and that is how I be feelin. I wonder if anyone else can relate to these feelings I have. I mean any other BLACK people or am I just messed up cause I caught this white peoples disease/condition from somewhere (maybe school, lol).
I went to the DBT group this week and they were talking more non sense. So ridiculous that I'd rather not even get into details. There was this one white woman there who was SO into it that it urked me. IDK, the shit is just stupid but I did learn or gain insight rather that it is impossible for me to regulate my emotions when I have so many unmet basic needs. I can not even begin to facade "PLEASE MASTER" skills if I don't have the means to do them. The case manager agreed but she may have just been stuck because she never heard anyone have this kind of insight about the DBT and why it is not working for me. So that concludes this weeks episode of Detrimental to my Mental...unless something outrageous happens, see ya next week or so.
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