Why do we love love when love seems to hate us?

Jazmine Sullivan asked us "why do we love love when love seems o hate us" and I am wondering why I take myself through this (love thing) over and over again.  What is it about love that I am so addicted to?  What is it about me that makes love such a unobtainable thing?

Well last night was difficult.  I am grieving the loss of my prison love ministry.  He meant a lot to me. I really thought I had to look no further and love had found me.  Honestly, I saw myself married and pregnant within one year but that ain't gone happen.  Now things are all messed up and we are a thing of the past.  So he said that we should just be friends and then I decided that I could not handle that.  I don't want to be his friend but I love him and I want to be more than friends.  Is that weird?  I just can't continue to love this man and sit back waiting and waiting for me to become a priority in his life.  Someone told be "don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?".  They also said that I'd be "destined for pain" if I love him and he wants to be friends"...sitting around waiting and watching his life unfold.  So, the decision was made and I barely needed anytime to think about it.  I know myself and I can't be friends him.  I don't even want to try or talk about it with him.

I am really angry and hurt by all of this and it makes me really sad.  I just feel like I will never find a man who will be able to put up with all my issues (the depression, the crying, the confusion, the low self esteem, the mood fluctuations).  The most hurtful thing is the risk of sharing myself it takes to even find out.  I am a Taurus and I am territorial.  I am sensitive about my shit.  I mean I don't share myself with any and everyone.  It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to share all the parts of me with them.  That is why this is such a tragedy for me.  Anyways, thanks for listening, no mans land

OMG, Quest derailment

Okay, no man's land, today I feel like my Quest for love (self-love and romantic) has been totally derailed.  Well, as far as the diet goes (eating healthier, and working out) I've been doing okay this week.  I kind of modified what I call myself doing. Now I am clear that instead of not eating ANY starchy carbs I am more focused on not eating over processed sugar and foods and learning how to calorie count.  The calorie counting thing is difficult for me to do because I don't quite understand how to equate the numbers but I am learning from this really great facebook blogger ( http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com)/  So, I'll be doing it in no time.  I had planned to sit down and calculate some numbers today but my mind is just too boggled.  I can not focus because I am really sad, frustrated, angry, distraught, and SO dumped.

So, my prison love ministry dumped me.  He told me that he only wants to be friends with me.  I am let down because I am romantically attracted to him.  I am sad because I thought I was well off in my Quest and my future husband was to get out of prison (I feel so stupid saying this out loud) soon.  Actually, today he got his release date.  So, he waits until he is soon to be released and then decides that he does not want to be with me.  This is a major blow to my self esteem.  I've got so many issues that I can't even get a prison inmate/soon to be parolee to commit to me.  Wow! That statement brought tears to my eyes.

I am really sad about the loss because as you know I thought highly of him.  He has accomplished a lot in prison and seemed to be a really good person.  Now, I feel like I've had a mean game ran on me.  I mean he spent several months and lots of energy convincing me that he was qualified to be with me and it was safe to love him.  Then once I love him and want to be with him he switches it up.  I should have broke it off when he first told me that he did not want me to visit and he wanted us to remain friends for the remainder of his sentence.  He told me that he was protecting me but I now see (more clearly) that he was just making things easier for him.  I feel awful with a heavy heart.  How could I be so dumb.  I've made a major mistake and it this is a major set back for me emotionally. 

I am taking this very personal because 1) I suffer from depression and that is what we do and 2) I just can't believe that I am back at square one in my Quest for love and I am really hopeless about my ability to meet someone else.  This is a painful reality.  I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am not desirable to men anymore and I get absolutely no attention from the opposite sex when I go out.  It really feels like a pretty hopeless situation.  I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me beyond my weight and insecurities.  I thought he would love me for me because he was in prison and had time to fully get to know who I am in the inside.  Honestly, I think it is that person who ran him away.  So I think I am fucked up on the outside and on the inside I am not a attractive or likable person either,  You see this is crushing.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this either.  Our relationship/friendship never became a serious commitment so I did not have any reason to share our relationship with anyone outside of therapy and no mans land.  So, now I am all jacked up inside and I have no support system to help me through this.

He basically told me that we would never be more than friends but expected that we'd continue to write and talk on the phone but boy will he feel my wrath when he discovers that will not be happening.  I wrote him a letter and told him that I can not be friends with him any longer because this is all too hurtful for me.  Also, his phone access is restricted.  I am gone.  It is over !  I am sharing with you my feelings of hurt and I am really hurt.  However, I am good at keeping it moving after a break-up and doing bad by myself.  I don't need a man to make me feel bad about myself and my life because I already got that covered.  Since my life is already suffering, it's nothing to leave him cold turkey and suffer (in silence)without him knowing a thing.  He will probably think I am a cold piece of work to just abandon him like this (cut and dry) but bump what he thinks this is about me right now.

UGGGh!  I am just so angry and frustrated.  How did I let myself get into this mess.  How will I recover?  Anyways, thanks for listening no mans land.   

Detrimental to my Mental 1

This is going to be my new way of documenting my struggles with mental health. I guess this will be like a series, yeah a series. That sounds good. Hope someone will find some of this stuff helpful or interesting at least. For me, it is my way of journaling my VERY challenging struggles with my Depression and Anxiety, my stress, and my stressors, my life in therapy, and the therapy I experience just in living in life.

So here we go!
I had therapy with my case manager yesterday. As usual, I was a emotional wreck! I talked about how I feel so frustrated with my life and not being able to take care of my basic needs prevents me from "staying in the moment" or doing any other DBT techniques. Truthfully, the theory and technique overall just does not resonate with me. I just don't get it. It seems to be for white people with lives that are filled with pockets of opportunity to be in the world without worries. You know, not having to worry about how I'll continue to hide my car from repo, avoid getting in a accident or pulled over with no insurance on my LONG 2-way commute or wondering how I will bounce checks to get my meds for the month and how I will keep food in our mouths and gas in the car after paying rent and the bills. You know the real worries, the ones that no one else I know (white folks or married black folks) has these problems to worry about. So yes, they have time to let thoughts pass thru their minds like clouds and think about observing and describing the environment around them and/or inside. Even being that I feel this stuff is just impossible and dumb (for me),I still try to do it in a hopeless effort to feel better. To not be overwhelmed with emotion with every stressor or trigger (that could be as simple as a movie clip).

During this session, the therapist decided to start a social history on me to help her better understand me and oh boy, did I give IT to her! She had no clue that I had been thru so much in my life. She seemed to be really shocked but even being so, she tried to make me see the good and purpose in my life and what I do. She said for me to think about how much the foster youth that I work with really need me and how much I offer the system with my background of being in foster care myself. I try to think that way but most of the times (these days anyways) I feel like that is a crop of $hit and I am sacrificing myself and my sanity to do this work. This work forces me to think of my pain daily and that is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to give up on this job as a CPS social worker but then I think,"what else do I know how to do?". So I keep trucking, walking on eggshells though. I could crack anytime! Literally! and that is how I be feelin. I wonder if anyone else can relate to these feelings I have. I mean any other BLACK people or am I just messed up cause I caught this white peoples disease/condition from somewhere (maybe school, lol).

I went to the DBT group this week and they were talking more non sense. So ridiculous that I'd rather not even get into details. There was this one white woman there who was SO into it that it urked me. IDK, the shit is just stupid but I did learn or gain insight rather that it is impossible for me to regulate my emotions when I have so many unmet basic needs. I can not even begin to facade "PLEASE MASTER" skills if I don't have the means to do them. The case manager agreed but she may have just been stuck because she never heard anyone have this kind of insight about the DBT and why it is not working for me. So that concludes this weeks episode of Detrimental to my Mental...unless something outrageous happens, see ya next week or so.