04/29/10 vents

So I got several things on my mind today.
1)I am having a lot of anxiety today...heart palpitations. I have just been so fragile and emotional of late. Or for a while rather. Work and emotional instability DO NOT mix. I been thinking about walking out on my job and my life in general but that is just not rationale. I don't do it because my son really needs me and my income is what is holding our life together. It's not holding it together very well but it's holding.
2)These fools keep playing with me and my money...I did not get a full paycheck. Last pay period I did not get anything and I had a breakdown. Today I was expecting to get a full paycheck, pay my bills, and use some money to have a nice b-day but... But that is not going to happen (unless some kind of miracle occurs and that is unlikely)
3)I don't have nobody that I could depend on for help with some of these bills. Rent is going to go unpaid and the car note too. I don't think that is going to work! I might get evicted and my car might get repo'd this time because everything will be WAY too behind to even catch up by my next pay period and besides that there won't be enough funds to do it all. This is the pits! Do you know what "the pits" is like? It ain't cool!
4)but my crippled 55 yr old neighbor is trying to get with me (whatever that means). So he sends me a note saying how he admires me and asking if I get lonely to call him... Is this a booty call? Why in the hell is it that a handicapped old man thinks it is cool to ask me blatantly for some sex? Has it gotten that bad for me? Am I that fat and ugly these days. Is he going to pay a few bills? Doesn't sound like it, does it? LOL nothing. This is SO not funny! Anyway, he asking me for sex well I'm going to ask him to pay a bill or two.
5)So I recently started seeing this guy that I dated in Middle School. We've talked on the phone for about 4 years and just CONNECTED recently. And this situation got me SO ready to shit my pants. Yes, I am scarred shitless, you know I don't date often. I got all these emotions going on. I have these really bad self esteem issues that make me not want to be seen. How are we gone date if I do not want to be seen? Plus I am embarrassed about my financial situation and could never ask for help. OH, couldn't ask him if I wanted to is what I figured out last night. So does he want free milk too? So, he tells me that he has 5 children but he had unprotected with me last week. WTF, no wonder why he is working 2 jobs! He barely got any time and not I find out he doesn't have any money either. It doesn't help that I am such a dreamer. I have been listening to Ray J, "Let's Play House" all day on repeat wishing that someone would say these things to me. I am kidding myself.
6)another thing, Big Texas is calling again. Yes after standing em up or completely abandoning me rather 2 times he's back and I initiated the contact (before I reached out to the middle school guy). This is really a sick thing. Like an addiction. He had everything I want in a husband except he had bad breath and a mean streak. LOL nothing! This is not even funny. Just crazy. What am I gone do?
7)I'm pose to be going out of town with my club again this weekend but my money is funny! Funnier than usual. If I go I will definitely be spending that already short check. Yes the one that won't cover the rent, the car note, or the car insurance placing me further in the hole and closer to being homeless and careless. In addition, my son finally told me why he is uncomfortable staying with his father while I am gone wildin out. He said that his father made him sit down and watch his sister open gifts on Christmas but he did not get to open not one and he did not come through on his b-day either. Oh, now I am pissed! Now I know that my son really needs me and his dad is NO HELP AT ALL making my support system the size of a atom. Tough life ay? Yes, I think so.

Who do I talk to? Not my new boo, Nah, I'll run that ass away! The old man? Big Texas? LOL, nothing, non of this shit is funny.