03/19/10 #2

03/20/10. Ok so today was a trip! This guy text me out the blue and he went bad on me for NO good reason at all. I was really upset by the things he siad to me via text (might I add). He said something about me being a "super woman" and him having to "Oh Oh Oh Oh leave me alone". I don't really know exactly what he meant by this but it sure hurt my feelings. Basically, I think he was tryna clown... Sayin I'm too self sufficient or something. It sounds ridiculous but it is the truth that a lot of guys won't date me because of my accomplishments. How (in the hell) can a woman be too accomplished to date? It sucks but I meet a shitload of insecure men who want to fuck and then leave me alone cuz I have 2 degrees! So sad. What's a girl to do?
I admit that some of this is my fault. I'm learning that slowly but surely. Day by day, I realize more and more that dysfunctional tendecies are keeping me not only from happiness but from love. Yesturday, I gained some more insight about the negative consequences of being a perfectionist. In fact, perfectionism is one of the most common self-defeating beliefs. I kinda knew that but I did not "know know" that my being a perfectionist and striving to be successful was such a bad thing for me. Yes, it helped me get my Masters but it has also kept me from having a healthy relationship with myself and/or others. This is very bad considering that I hope to get married someday soon.
Basically, I got ANOTHER thing to add to my list of behaviors to change. Hell, I gotta find a whole new way of being. So this is what I learned on 3/19/10. I learned that there is a real difference between "the healthy pursuit of excellence" and perfectionism and I am "A perfectionist". Turns out I never had a chance because perfectionists people are never happy or satisfied with themselves, their acheivements, and their relationships with others. Those who pursue excellence in a healthy way "see failure as an oppurtunity for growth and learning". I must strive to pursue excellence in a more healthy way by

1) feeling motivated by feelings of enthusiasm instead of by fear of failure,

2)feeling joy and satisfaction by all my efforts towards accomplishments,

3) feeling that worthwhile/good for me people will accept me as I am and I do NOT have to earn love,

4) feeling unafraid to make mistakes and seeing failure as a oppurtunity for growth instead of being self-critical and thinking I'm a failure as a human being,

5) feeling unafraid to be vulnerable (vrs strong and in control of emotions at all time) and share my feelings with others.

Having a perfectionist mind set is not worth it. Accepting myself will bring me far less grief and will help me establish closer relationships. So, the moral of the story is ACCEPT ONE'S FLAWS and SHORTCOMINGS WITHOUT a SENSE of SHAME. I'll tell myself this daily!
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