Monday, January 14, 2013
I'm back
I am back to blogging. I still don't have a clear direction other than being on a "Quest for Love". In my quest for finding love, I plan to blog about life and love, fashion and beauty, and diet, health, and fitness. It's actually my little Journal of my journey. I am excited because so much has happened since I last blogged. I don't know if I can catch you all up to speed cconsidering all that I have been through over the course of time. To make a long story short, I had a quick 6month relationship, I have been approved to get bariatric surgery soon, and I just bought a whole bunch of foil for my nails..So, I have a lot on my plate and I plan to take you all along on this ride. Ya dig???
Thursday, July 14, 2011
on 07/14/11
So, today and yesterday have been extremely slow and boring at work but I am proud of myself that I have not been all down about my break up, I mean my prison love ministry. However, everyday I look in the mailbox hoping that there will be a letter from him. Each day there is not. He had to stop writing me well before he knew that the phone calls were blocked and I was cutting off the relationship/friendship thing. That kinda of pisses me off though. He said that he loved me and sold me the dream that we would be together. I should've known that I could not trust him and none before him. This all makes me not want to date anyone anymore and if I do not show them who I am. Anyways, I will get past this soon.
I feel fat today. I missed the gym two days in a row. Plus, I ate a big ole salad with blue cheese dressing and two pieces of sourdough bread with butter for lunch. I only drank one bottle of water and it had some generic crystal light in it. I learned today that artificial sweeteners are not a part of clean eating and should not be a part of my diet. I learned that I may be addicted to sweetener since I can't imagine my life without it. I absolutely hate plain water. It is so hard for me to drink water. It taste disgusting. http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/what-are-you-eating/the-case-against-diet-soda-and-aspartame-and-splenda-and/
I feel fat today. I missed the gym two days in a row. Plus, I ate a big ole salad with blue cheese dressing and two pieces of sourdough bread with butter for lunch. I only drank one bottle of water and it had some generic crystal light in it. I learned today that artificial sweeteners are not a part of clean eating and should not be a part of my diet. I learned that I may be addicted to sweetener since I can't imagine my life without it. I absolutely hate plain water. It is so hard for me to drink water. It taste disgusting. http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/what-are-you-eating/the-case-against-diet-soda-and-aspartame-and-splenda-and/
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Today
Today was a very boring day but I am proud to report that I did not spend a bunch of time thinking about my prison love ministry and I have not cried in 2 days (I think). I wonder am I getting over him this quick. It might take less time to get over a person that you have not seen in over 20 years. Maybe I am a little grateful that he did not allow me to come visit him in prison.
Diet. I do not know how I am doing on the diet. For some reason I am not sure if I am eating the right amount of calories (since I don't know how to calorie count). I try to estimate the number of calories in each meal and I have laid off of sugar and over processed carbs. What exactly does that mean? Well, I guess it means that I am trying to only eat foods that are from the earth (not man made) in their natural state.
Exercise has been going okay. I went to the gym this morning and I REALLY did not feel like it. It was a struggle getting out of bed today. That made me late to the gym and I had to modify my workout but at least I went. I went yesterday too. I go at 6:30am. I think I am really tired in the evenings as a result. I mean I am used to getting up at 8am even though I start work at 9am.
Diet. I do not know how I am doing on the diet. For some reason I am not sure if I am eating the right amount of calories (since I don't know how to calorie count). I try to estimate the number of calories in each meal and I have laid off of sugar and over processed carbs. What exactly does that mean? Well, I guess it means that I am trying to only eat foods that are from the earth (not man made) in their natural state.
Exercise has been going okay. I went to the gym this morning and I REALLY did not feel like it. It was a struggle getting out of bed today. That made me late to the gym and I had to modify my workout but at least I went. I went yesterday too. I go at 6:30am. I think I am really tired in the evenings as a result. I mean I am used to getting up at 8am even though I start work at 9am.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Why do we love love when love seems to hate us?
Jazmine Sullivan asked us "why do we love love when love seems o hate us" and I am wondering why I take myself through this (love thing) over and over again. What is it about love that I am so addicted to? What is it about me that makes love such a unobtainable thing?
Well last night was difficult. I am grieving the loss of my prison love ministry. He meant a lot to me. I really thought I had to look no further and love had found me. Honestly, I saw myself married and pregnant within one year but that ain't gone happen. Now things are all messed up and we are a thing of the past. So he said that we should just be friends and then I decided that I could not handle that. I don't want to be his friend but I love him and I want to be more than friends. Is that weird? I just can't continue to love this man and sit back waiting and waiting for me to become a priority in his life. Someone told be "don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?". They also said that I'd be "destined for pain" if I love him and he wants to be friends"...sitting around waiting and watching his life unfold. So, the decision was made and I barely needed anytime to think about it. I know myself and I can't be friends him. I don't even want to try or talk about it with him.
I am really angry and hurt by all of this and it makes me really sad. I just feel like I will never find a man who will be able to put up with all my issues (the depression, the crying, the confusion, the low self esteem, the mood fluctuations). The most hurtful thing is the risk of sharing myself it takes to even find out. I am a Taurus and I am territorial. I am sensitive about my shit. I mean I don't share myself with any and everyone. It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to share all the parts of me with them. That is why this is such a tragedy for me. Anyways, thanks for listening, no mans land
Well last night was difficult. I am grieving the loss of my prison love ministry. He meant a lot to me. I really thought I had to look no further and love had found me. Honestly, I saw myself married and pregnant within one year but that ain't gone happen. Now things are all messed up and we are a thing of the past. So he said that we should just be friends and then I decided that I could not handle that. I don't want to be his friend but I love him and I want to be more than friends. Is that weird? I just can't continue to love this man and sit back waiting and waiting for me to become a priority in his life. Someone told be "don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?". They also said that I'd be "destined for pain" if I love him and he wants to be friends"...sitting around waiting and watching his life unfold. So, the decision was made and I barely needed anytime to think about it. I know myself and I can't be friends him. I don't even want to try or talk about it with him.
I am really angry and hurt by all of this and it makes me really sad. I just feel like I will never find a man who will be able to put up with all my issues (the depression, the crying, the confusion, the low self esteem, the mood fluctuations). The most hurtful thing is the risk of sharing myself it takes to even find out. I am a Taurus and I am territorial. I am sensitive about my shit. I mean I don't share myself with any and everyone. It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to share all the parts of me with them. That is why this is such a tragedy for me. Anyways, thanks for listening, no mans land
Thursday, July 7, 2011
OMG, Quest derailment
Okay, no man's land, today I feel like my Quest for love (self-love and romantic) has been totally derailed. Well, as far as the diet goes (eating healthier, and working out) I've been doing okay this week. I kind of modified what I call myself doing. Now I am clear that instead of not eating ANY starchy carbs I am more focused on not eating over processed sugar and foods and learning how to calorie count. The calorie counting thing is difficult for me to do because I don't quite understand how to equate the numbers but I am learning from this really great facebook blogger ( http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com)/ So, I'll be doing it in no time. I had planned to sit down and calculate some numbers today but my mind is just too boggled. I can not focus because I am really sad, frustrated, angry, distraught, and SO dumped.
So, my prison love ministry dumped me. He told me that he only wants to be friends with me. I am let down because I am romantically attracted to him. I am sad because I thought I was well off in my Quest and my future husband was to get out of prison (I feel so stupid saying this out loud) soon. Actually, today he got his release date. So, he waits until he is soon to be released and then decides that he does not want to be with me. This is a major blow to my self esteem. I've got so many issues that I can't even get a prison inmate/soon to be parolee to commit to me. Wow! That statement brought tears to my eyes.
I am really sad about the loss because as you know I thought highly of him. He has accomplished a lot in prison and seemed to be a really good person. Now, I feel like I've had a mean game ran on me. I mean he spent several months and lots of energy convincing me that he was qualified to be with me and it was safe to love him. Then once I love him and want to be with him he switches it up. I should have broke it off when he first told me that he did not want me to visit and he wanted us to remain friends for the remainder of his sentence. He told me that he was protecting me but I now see (more clearly) that he was just making things easier for him. I feel awful with a heavy heart. How could I be so dumb. I've made a major mistake and it this is a major set back for me emotionally.
I am taking this very personal because 1) I suffer from depression and that is what we do and 2) I just can't believe that I am back at square one in my Quest for love and I am really hopeless about my ability to meet someone else. This is a painful reality. I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am not desirable to men anymore and I get absolutely no attention from the opposite sex when I go out. It really feels like a pretty hopeless situation. I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me beyond my weight and insecurities. I thought he would love me for me because he was in prison and had time to fully get to know who I am in the inside. Honestly, I think it is that person who ran him away. So I think I am fucked up on the outside and on the inside I am not a attractive or likable person either, You see this is crushing.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this either. Our relationship/friendship never became a serious commitment so I did not have any reason to share our relationship with anyone outside of therapy and no mans land. So, now I am all jacked up inside and I have no support system to help me through this.
He basically told me that we would never be more than friends but expected that we'd continue to write and talk on the phone but boy will he feel my wrath when he discovers that will not be happening. I wrote him a letter and told him that I can not be friends with him any longer because this is all too hurtful for me. Also, his phone access is restricted. I am gone. It is over ! I am sharing with you my feelings of hurt and I am really hurt. However, I am good at keeping it moving after a break-up and doing bad by myself. I don't need a man to make me feel bad about myself and my life because I already got that covered. Since my life is already suffering, it's nothing to leave him cold turkey and suffer (in silence)without him knowing a thing. He will probably think I am a cold piece of work to just abandon him like this (cut and dry) but bump what he thinks this is about me right now.
UGGGh! I am just so angry and frustrated. How did I let myself get into this mess. How will I recover? Anyways, thanks for listening no mans land.
So, my prison love ministry dumped me. He told me that he only wants to be friends with me. I am let down because I am romantically attracted to him. I am sad because I thought I was well off in my Quest and my future husband was to get out of prison (I feel so stupid saying this out loud) soon. Actually, today he got his release date. So, he waits until he is soon to be released and then decides that he does not want to be with me. This is a major blow to my self esteem. I've got so many issues that I can't even get a prison inmate/soon to be parolee to commit to me. Wow! That statement brought tears to my eyes.
I am really sad about the loss because as you know I thought highly of him. He has accomplished a lot in prison and seemed to be a really good person. Now, I feel like I've had a mean game ran on me. I mean he spent several months and lots of energy convincing me that he was qualified to be with me and it was safe to love him. Then once I love him and want to be with him he switches it up. I should have broke it off when he first told me that he did not want me to visit and he wanted us to remain friends for the remainder of his sentence. He told me that he was protecting me but I now see (more clearly) that he was just making things easier for him. I feel awful with a heavy heart. How could I be so dumb. I've made a major mistake and it this is a major set back for me emotionally.
I am taking this very personal because 1) I suffer from depression and that is what we do and 2) I just can't believe that I am back at square one in my Quest for love and I am really hopeless about my ability to meet someone else. This is a painful reality. I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am not desirable to men anymore and I get absolutely no attention from the opposite sex when I go out. It really feels like a pretty hopeless situation. I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me beyond my weight and insecurities. I thought he would love me for me because he was in prison and had time to fully get to know who I am in the inside. Honestly, I think it is that person who ran him away. So I think I am fucked up on the outside and on the inside I am not a attractive or likable person either, You see this is crushing.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this either. Our relationship/friendship never became a serious commitment so I did not have any reason to share our relationship with anyone outside of therapy and no mans land. So, now I am all jacked up inside and I have no support system to help me through this.
He basically told me that we would never be more than friends but expected that we'd continue to write and talk on the phone but boy will he feel my wrath when he discovers that will not be happening. I wrote him a letter and told him that I can not be friends with him any longer because this is all too hurtful for me. Also, his phone access is restricted. I am gone. It is over ! I am sharing with you my feelings of hurt and I am really hurt. However, I am good at keeping it moving after a break-up and doing bad by myself. I don't need a man to make me feel bad about myself and my life because I already got that covered. Since my life is already suffering, it's nothing to leave him cold turkey and suffer (in silence)without him knowing a thing. He will probably think I am a cold piece of work to just abandon him like this (cut and dry) but bump what he thinks this is about me right now.
UGGGh! I am just so angry and frustrated. How did I let myself get into this mess. How will I recover? Anyways, thanks for listening no mans land.
July 4th
So, I went to the family picnic. It was pretty ok until the end right before I got in my car to leave. I saw my (only) male cousin and I tried to hug him and he refused. I walked up to him and said "I was chasing you trying to hug you" and he said "I can't do that (hug me)". It really kinda hurt my feelings. I can't believe that he is still angry about something that happened several years ago. I don't even recall exactly why he is mad at me but he stormed off like it happened yesterday. The whole experience reminded me that "my" family picnic is actually "their" family picnic and I maybe was not as welcome as I thought. It was at that very moment that all the instances confirming that belief flashed before my eyes. Like the fact that cousin Kym (his sister) did not hug me either. Reminded me that they don't like my mother and none of her daughters...they say that we are messy but truth is no one is messier than their mother. Their mother is the glue to our family. She is older and I can't help but wonder what will happen if she passes...you think its bad now. Why does it matter? I don't even see them enough to really be trippen off them but I am. Family is important to me and I want us to all get alone but that's not happening! So I shed a couple of tears on the ride home and then I wished for my Antwan Fisher family to find me soon. I am SO old to not have a man. I need my husband to find his way home soon. Just wanted to talk about my 4th of July with someone who would be neutral and who wouldn't judge or blame me for what happened. Thanks no man's land!Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Friday, July 1, 2011
Day 5- BROKEN DIET
Today there was a pizza party at my job. Pizza is my favorite. I could not resist it, so I didn't but I did not have to eat 5 pieces... Now I am sitting here feeling all down on myself! I don't feel like I want to give up totally and go all out on a eating binge but I am feeling bad about it all.
All day I have been reading this blog that I follow on face book called, "A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss". If I knew how to link it I would. Sorry no man's land (my blog). Anyways, this blog is SO positive and today I read learning from my mistakes. I remember being really hungry unprepared today. I did not pack a lunch therefore when I heard about the pizza I was set on it. Then the pizza altered my ability to just eat one. Also, I been feeling like maybe the cold turkey is a bit too restrictive and unrealistic for me. I been thinking all day (after reading this blog) that I need to try another approach. First this I need to do is mental and emotional. I figure out how to focus on being healthy rather than losing weight to be more desirable and attractive to men. I don't really know how to change my mind set but I know that I want to. It has everything to do with self love and value. I don't have that and I don't know how to get it. I been working on it in therapy but still have not had any luck. Well until I can learn to want to become a healthier me I think I will continue to fake it and just keep struggling until I get it right or die trying...
All day I have been reading this blog that I follow on face book called, "A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss". If I knew how to link it I would. Sorry no man's land (my blog). Anyways, this blog is SO positive and today I read learning from my mistakes. I remember being really hungry unprepared today. I did not pack a lunch therefore when I heard about the pizza I was set on it. Then the pizza altered my ability to just eat one. Also, I been feeling like maybe the cold turkey is a bit too restrictive and unrealistic for me. I been thinking all day (after reading this blog) that I need to try another approach. First this I need to do is mental and emotional. I figure out how to focus on being healthy rather than losing weight to be more desirable and attractive to men. I don't really know how to change my mind set but I know that I want to. It has everything to do with self love and value. I don't have that and I don't know how to get it. I been working on it in therapy but still have not had any luck. Well until I can learn to want to become a healthier me I think I will continue to fake it and just keep struggling until I get it right or die trying...
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