Okay, no man's land, today I feel like my Quest for love (self-love and romantic) has been totally derailed. Well, as far as the diet goes (eating healthier, and working out) I've been doing okay this week. I kind of modified what I call myself doing. Now I am clear that instead of not eating ANY starchy carbs I am more focused on not eating over processed sugar and foods and learning how to calorie count. The calorie counting thing is difficult for me to do because I don't quite understand how to equate the numbers but I am learning from this really great facebook blogger ( http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com)/ So, I'll be doing it in no time. I had planned to sit down and calculate some numbers today but my mind is just too boggled. I can not focus because I am really sad, frustrated, angry, distraught, and SO dumped.
So, my prison love ministry dumped me. He told me that he only wants to be friends with me. I am let down because I am romantically attracted to him. I am sad because I thought I was well off in my Quest and my future husband was to get out of prison (I feel so stupid saying this out loud) soon. Actually, today he got his release date. So, he waits until he is soon to be released and then decides that he does not want to be with me. This is a major blow to my self esteem. I've got so many issues that I can't even get a prison inmate/soon to be parolee to commit to me. Wow! That statement brought tears to my eyes.
I am really sad about the loss because as you know I thought highly of him. He has accomplished a lot in prison and seemed to be a really good person. Now, I feel like I've had a mean game ran on me. I mean he spent several months and lots of energy convincing me that he was qualified to be with me and it was safe to love him. Then once I love him and want to be with him he switches it up. I should have broke it off when he first told me that he did not want me to visit and he wanted us to remain friends for the remainder of his sentence. He told me that he was protecting me but I now see (more clearly) that he was just making things easier for him. I feel awful with a heavy heart. How could I be so dumb. I've made a major mistake and it this is a major set back for me emotionally.
I am taking this very personal because 1) I suffer from depression and that is what we do and 2) I just can't believe that I am back at square one in my Quest for love and I am really hopeless about my ability to meet someone else. This is a painful reality. I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am not desirable to men anymore and I get absolutely no attention from the opposite sex when I go out. It really feels like a pretty hopeless situation. I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me beyond my weight and insecurities. I thought he would love me for me because he was in prison and had time to fully get to know who I am in the inside. Honestly, I think it is that person who ran him away. So I think I am fucked up on the outside and on the inside I am not a attractive or likable person either, You see this is crushing.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this either. Our relationship/friendship never became a serious commitment so I did not have any reason to share our relationship with anyone outside of therapy and no mans land. So, now I am all jacked up inside and I have no support system to help me through this.
He basically told me that we would never be more than friends but expected that we'd continue to write and talk on the phone but boy will he feel my wrath when he discovers that will not be happening. I wrote him a letter and told him that I can not be friends with him any longer because this is all too hurtful for me. Also, his phone access is restricted. I am gone. It is over ! I am sharing with you my feelings of hurt and I am really hurt. However, I am good at keeping it moving after a break-up and doing bad by myself. I don't need a man to make me feel bad about myself and my life because I already got that covered. Since my life is already suffering, it's nothing to leave him cold turkey and suffer (in silence)without him knowing a thing. He will probably think I am a cold piece of work to just abandon him like this (cut and dry) but bump what he thinks this is about me right now.
UGGGh! I am just so angry and frustrated. How did I let myself get into this mess. How will I recover? Anyways, thanks for listening no mans land.
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