04/29/10 vents

So I got several things on my mind today.
1)I am having a lot of anxiety today...heart palpitations. I have just been so fragile and emotional of late. Or for a while rather. Work and emotional instability DO NOT mix. I been thinking about walking out on my job and my life in general but that is just not rationale. I don't do it because my son really needs me and my income is what is holding our life together. It's not holding it together very well but it's holding.
2)These fools keep playing with me and my money...I did not get a full paycheck. Last pay period I did not get anything and I had a breakdown. Today I was expecting to get a full paycheck, pay my bills, and use some money to have a nice b-day but... But that is not going to happen (unless some kind of miracle occurs and that is unlikely)
3)I don't have nobody that I could depend on for help with some of these bills. Rent is going to go unpaid and the car note too. I don't think that is going to work! I might get evicted and my car might get repo'd this time because everything will be WAY too behind to even catch up by my next pay period and besides that there won't be enough funds to do it all. This is the pits! Do you know what "the pits" is like? It ain't cool!
4)but my crippled 55 yr old neighbor is trying to get with me (whatever that means). So he sends me a note saying how he admires me and asking if I get lonely to call him... Is this a booty call? Why in the hell is it that a handicapped old man thinks it is cool to ask me blatantly for some sex? Has it gotten that bad for me? Am I that fat and ugly these days. Is he going to pay a few bills? Doesn't sound like it, does it? LOL nothing. This is SO not funny! Anyway, he asking me for sex well I'm going to ask him to pay a bill or two.
5)So I recently started seeing this guy that I dated in Middle School. We've talked on the phone for about 4 years and just CONNECTED recently. And this situation got me SO ready to shit my pants. Yes, I am scarred shitless, you know I don't date often. I got all these emotions going on. I have these really bad self esteem issues that make me not want to be seen. How are we gone date if I do not want to be seen? Plus I am embarrassed about my financial situation and could never ask for help. OH, couldn't ask him if I wanted to is what I figured out last night. So does he want free milk too? So, he tells me that he has 5 children but he had unprotected with me last week. WTF, no wonder why he is working 2 jobs! He barely got any time and not I find out he doesn't have any money either. It doesn't help that I am such a dreamer. I have been listening to Ray J, "Let's Play House" all day on repeat wishing that someone would say these things to me. I am kidding myself.
6)another thing, Big Texas is calling again. Yes after standing em up or completely abandoning me rather 2 times he's back and I initiated the contact (before I reached out to the middle school guy). This is really a sick thing. Like an addiction. He had everything I want in a husband except he had bad breath and a mean streak. LOL nothing! This is not even funny. Just crazy. What am I gone do?
7)I'm pose to be going out of town with my club again this weekend but my money is funny! Funnier than usual. If I go I will definitely be spending that already short check. Yes the one that won't cover the rent, the car note, or the car insurance placing me further in the hole and closer to being homeless and careless. In addition, my son finally told me why he is uncomfortable staying with his father while I am gone wildin out. He said that his father made him sit down and watch his sister open gifts on Christmas but he did not get to open not one and he did not come through on his b-day either. Oh, now I am pissed! Now I know that my son really needs me and his dad is NO HELP AT ALL making my support system the size of a atom. Tough life ay? Yes, I think so.

Who do I talk to? Not my new boo, Nah, I'll run that ass away! The old man? Big Texas? LOL, nothing, non of this shit is funny.

Daddys eyes

I have my daDdy's light brown eyes. LOok inside...what do u see? I see confusion and suffering. Wish I saw confidence and privledge but I don't. I want love through companionship so bad that it torments me. 33 years old with no male companionship! Its sad. But it is near impossible to learn to love myself. Self love...is it inate or acquired.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I'm @ the LAX Hilton

CMB has arrived!!! We made it about 11:00pm and I drove us thru the Grapevine. It was horrifying but we made it safe. Thank you God. Were having a blast just enjoying each others company and me? I'm enjoying all the FAB ulous ity!!! Luvin it. Great get away. So we could not get into the skate party, so it has just been all chillin. My blog is about my life and falling in love. Not nec about this whole part of my life (my social club/bike club) but it all tied into itself. So earlier I LOVED my hair, remember? UH. Well, after being called the pretty Medusa by a different CMB member I wet it with hope that it will look different tomorrow. Maybe I really did not like it. Or maybe, it did not get me enuf positive attention. Whichever, the curls will be gone by tomorrow. We will juS have to sEe what happens. Bye for now Blog land.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

My first pipe cleaner experience

After
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

My first pipe cleaner curl experience

Before
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

My first pipe cleaner set experience

The process was not difficult at all. I jus wrapped my locs around the pipe screws. If someone is interested in my prefered method I'll do my best to make a photo tutorial. I jus wish I owned a hooded dryer.

So the finish product. Not bad huh? Well It took away a lot of my length but I like it. I was inspired by all the nice tutorials I found (no specifics plus I don't know how to post a link and give props the proper way, Maybe sumday sum1 wiLl DROP Me a LinE and lesson on it). Anyhow, I'm on my way to LA wit my social club. I'm excited. Driven highway 5 listening to Mary J # 10 for the second time (it is the knock!). This is real sisterhood...for now. Lol. One of my club sisters jus told me my has looked like Medusa. Medusa??? Not cool, why would I wanna look like I got Fukin snakes on my head? Oh well, I still love my hair, its poppin 2 me and imma ROC it like the real loc rocker! I'll send more pics. First stop, the skatin party!!! Yippie
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

CRYING

So I am sitting here crying over a man who could care less about me. I am in love with a person who is not me. I miss him and long to be with him and no one else will do. But. But. It's been a year and he has not come back. Instead he stood me up telling me he was coming back but never showed but I still ... Dam I still miss him SO MUCH. I been thru this before and it takes me years to recover from. That is NOT okay though. I'm too old for this shit! I'm just sad
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Today honey! Woo

Dear digital diary and guest, today was cool. I got tested a few times by co-workers but I weathered the storm! My cousin from Arkansas came thru and we drank some dark liquor. It was good and now I am just a little dRunk. As for the Quest...am I making progress? I don't feel like I am. I feel stuck in this world where only the good men are lost and can't be found. The ones like my dad was. Dem men don't come like that anymore.
4-15-10 WOO HONEY!!! Today was a hot ghetto mess which means I cried a river today. I was distraught to learn that I got no paycheck and my disability came but they want me to send it back because they overpaid me. I can't do that. I don't know what the repercussion will be but dam! Today. I share my water pomade with my coworkers. Now everyone is on it. I swear it is a miracle product. It will tame and lay down the nappiest nap and make it look like u got a permed of good hair. It's like old skool "Jam" but thicker. It holds better and does not build up. Its great. I had a headache today. A bad one so I cAme home early and took a nap.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

WOO HONEY!!!

Today, I had one of THOSE days. Yes one of those. Began with a flat tire that made my rose colored glasses fall off my face... Forced to face the fact that I have absolutely NO support system. not familial, Financial, or community. God blessed. He made things happen and though I had No money when I left home, I got a used tire and $10 to spare when it was all said and done. Not without being a emotional wreck at work which is totally embarrassing. I know those people think I'm such a Quack. Little do they know, I think the same thing. I got this cow skin purse that was HOT! Today I noticed that it caught allepesha and has bald spots on the sides. I need to buy a new bag and can't afford one right now.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Then I come home and my teenager who is moody, feels entitled to absolutely everything for absolutely nothing. Gosh, I just need a hug! I got a shit load of bills... Wore my knee high boots for the first time and they hurt my feet really bad. After all the drama I ended up throwing on the black K-swiss I had in my gym bag with a dress.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I am fat, can't lose no dam weight, I'm not dating but I want to. Just a mess! Woo honey, what imma do? DBT (google it) says focus on breathing instead of the past or the future...be mindful Khyla. Be mindful!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Feeling low tonight

Well today I had a appointment with the Psychiatrist. We talked about my many medications and he prescribed me another one. I'm really feelin a lil tired of taken all these pills! I mean I absolutely HATE swallowing pills! So it is troubling me to have to take all these pills morning and night. I know there are a lot of black folks who refuse Psychotropic medications for one reason or the other and my one reason is the headache of swallowing pills day and night. Having to remember to take all these doses...too much dam responsibility!!! I'm doin it now but I getting tired, exhausted, and depressed about all of it. Just wish I could be a person who did not have these troubles. What do you think? What would you do? I wanna be sane and function in the world... Does anyone even understand my psychobabble? Well this is the real life of a young black educated attractive lady with bipolar II illness. I get highs and lows and both moderately disable me. Like today, I'm sad. No real reason, just down about my life overall and how much I am dissatisfied with my life. But other days I am uppIty too much... You'll see. I have been thinking of whether or not my blog is working for me. On this Blog I diary about ALL my issues. My hair issues and my issue with mental illness and the only relation they have to one another is that they are both facets of my Quest to find self love. But can others relate to this? I'm thinking not. So far anyways. Well I want advise and commentary but I can also offer a lot of advise and commentary. I know SO much about this thing white folk call "mental illness". Do I got the white mans disease? How did I catch it? Too much education? Lol. WOO Honey chile, this is complicated. As is my blog designing skills, background and header. Night now!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Help

Gosh, I haven't a clue about how to fix up my blog. I think I messed it up and I do not know how to fix it... Help someone

My fav hair products

These are the product I rave about. "MY" miracle loc regime!!!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

04/09/10- non traditional loc rocker

Today thanks to "Loc Rocker" I learned about the "The 5 stages of locs/dreads"! They are as follows:

1. Coils — Coils resemble tightly coiled springs that look like baby spirals and can be as small as a watch spring or fluid and loose as fusilli. Hair can be as short or as long as one likes. The key factor here is that your hair is able to form and hold a coil, but the hair within the coil has not yet begun to intertwine or mesh.

2. Sprouts and Buds — Known as Sprouting or Budding ins that miraculous moment when the magic has begun. First, you shampoo your hair and notice that all of a sudden, the coils don't all wash out like they used to. You may notice that some of your coils have little knots of hair in them, about the size of a small pea. This knot is more or less the nucleus of each lock; the hairs in your coils have begun to intertwine and interlace. Individual coils may seem puffy and lose their tightly coiled shape; this is part of the process and shouldn't be disturbed. What is important here is to keep the original scalp partings, to allow the spinning process to become established for each individual lock. Don't redivide your budding locks, twist them to death, or get to patting them down, trying to make your hair look "nice," because you'll just end up with a badly packed, busted-out do.

3. Teen or Locking Stage — This is when the buds and sprouts truly begin to look like locks and few, if any, locks shampoo out or come out during sleep. The peas you saw and felt in the budding stage have expanded, and the hair has spun into a network of intertwining strands that extend throughout the length of individual locks. The locks may be soft and pliable or feel loosely meshed, according to your hair's texture. This is the growing stage of lock development, and it extends into the lock's mature stage. Shampooing doesn't loosen these locks. They have dropped, which means they have developed enough to hang down versus defying gravity. This is when you start to relax and feel more confident about locking.

4. Mature Stage — Each individual lock is firmly meshed or tightly interwoven. Some loosely coiled hair textures may retain a small curl or coil at the end of the locks, but most will probably be closed at the ends. You will begin to see consistent growth because each lock has intertwined and contracted into a cylindrical shape. Think of each individual lock as a hair strand in itself. The new growth is contained in the loose hair at the base or root of each individual lock, and regular grooming encourages it to spin into an intertwined coil that will be integrated with the lock.

5. Beyond Maturity — Think of this stage as akin to the shedding stage of hair growth. After many years, depending on the care you have lavished on your locks, some locks may begin to thin and break off at the ends. For the most part, this deterioration can be minimized and controlled by monitoring the ends of your locks for signs of age and getting regular trims. The 5 stages of locs/dreads.

So, I wanted to share about my journey through the stages. My journey was non traditional because I started out 4 years ago with loc extensions. I can only talk about my journey and the stages because I just never was thoughtful enough to document my journey. I wish I had of because it is all kinda neat! Well here it goes.

1. Coils — I never had coils. I resented the whole coils look and I thought I would be ugly with hair so short. I always wanted loc's but I dreaded starting them with coils because I think my face is just too fat. Hell, my body too. So, I cheated and I went to the shop "Nappy or Not" in Oakland, CA and paid $400 to get loc extensions. I actually did it impulsively. My dad had just died and I had a lot of pain on the inside. I felt like I was changed on the inside and I wanted my outside to reflect a new person. Kinda like a rebirth. I reinvented myself. From LONG curly weave to Loc rocker in one day. My family thought I had lost my mind (they still do). Maybe I did and IT IS GREAT!

2. Sprouts and Buds — So, my new growth grew quickly after getting loc extensions but the "Sprouting or Budding" took a long time to begin. I was twisting and twisting and twisting before I ever saw a bud. I thought my hair was too something (didn't know what)to loc. It took SO LONG. I went from shop to shop trying to find someone or something (product)that would hold my new growth in the twist and start to stay. It was REALLY a "miraculous moment when the magic began". The first sign that my hair COULD loc and my locs did not shampoo out or come out during my sleep like it used to, I was so happy! All the work and money I put into these dam locs!!! Definitely non traditional! At first I was feeling like I had made a poor decision and I had been defeating the (WHOLE)purpose and reason I had gotten the loc's in the first place, (to not have to pay for or waste anytime in a hair shop).

3. Teen or Locking Stage — I remember that this is the stage when I started to love my loc's. This is when they stopped being a pain in my neck! The really did stop looking stiff and defying gravity. This is when they relaxed causing me to relax and I began to feel more confident about locking. Now, I have the product that is perfect for ME. (You know the one that holds MY hair!) It too is non-traditional (not made for or typically used on loc'd hair) but I love it. It's called "Water Wax"(picture soon). It smells SO GOOD (like fruit) and it holds my new growth twisted well. My natural hair locs within a reasonable amount of time and there is no flakes or itching. Just GREAT (for me)! No promises it will be perfect for you...lol

4. Mature Stage — Today my locks are all tightly interwoven. I could not comb these things out. They are REALLY in there! They have a cylindrical shape and each individual lock is a hair strand in itself. My "new growth is contained in the loose hair at the base or root of each individual lock" and I can now enjoy regularly grooming my looks to keep me lookin good!

5. Beyond Maturity — I only think I've achieved this stage because some of my loc's have thinned (but never broke off at the ends). I married a couple before and it has since grown out. After it grew thick and long again I separated the marriage by cutting one of them off. For the most part, I don't get much deterioration despite my constant coloring. My hair has always been thick like a lion’s mane and nothing but PERM could ever break it! I still regularly trim off because I have a small amount of extension remaining in the ends of some.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Tell me about your journey.

Can't sleep

I'm awake and I am mad about it! I did my hair in two basket weaves because when I do one I look like a alien. Well, I gots no sleep meds and my mind is ON. I will take a photo of my hair tomorrow. I am sittin here dreamin about all of my goals and ambitions. I wanna write a book for black people about mental illness...I want to foster a child...I want to become a behavior coach or a life coach and practice pre-licensed. I can't wait to get me Marriage and Family therapist license (you know to have a side gig)! But I already spend too much time away from my son so IDK when I'll have time to do these things. Woo honey, my life is so stressful! The whole commute thing is CRAZY!
I been strugglin so hard to eat healthy (low carbs) to lose weight. I weigh so much... That makes me sad so let's refocus (on something positive or pleasant).
Cool, I've backed out the tunnel by "observing" sensations in my body and describing them in my mind. Um, that reminds me...I had a format that I was suppose to follow. Since I forgot, I haven't done any affirmations all week long. Guess I can handle that right now!
Black people!!! Attention! BLACK PEOPLE. Give me suggestions about how I can reach out to my people and work and get them to relate to the idea of seeking mental health treatment vs staying in line with religious and cultural biases. How can I combine the three creating a less stigmatic treatment. Help folks! WOO HONEY chile what is a sista to do? Stay tuned!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

04/06/10

Longtime no post! Anyhow, I been playing around with the locs a lot. Tryna use what I've learned on the tutorials I see here! I'm so lovin it! I didn't quite get it the same as the tutorial but it came out cute and very different than anything I ever wore. I got a ton of compliments! People were really surprised...pleasantly I mean and that was PRETTY COOL!!!
I am sittin here wit my girl who has to meet with a Family Law mediator. We are in the waiting room and I am trippin how all the baby mommas and daddy's are sittin separate and you can tell that they are steamin HOT! Lol. Oh, the tension in the room is so thick I can cut it with a knife! This aint even my case but I am on edge. Woo honey chile, I can't wait to get outta here.
So the mediator comes out and my girl surprises me wit the " can my friend come in to help me understand...I got disabilities" spill. OMG, that was NOT what she and I discussed! I got out of it cause the father was unwilling to agree to my presence. Gosh, this is my off day and I'm still having to be a social worker on my spare time...ah NO. Not my idea of a break from work!
So my friends and fAmily think that I am their personal therapist or Social Worker just because I that is the type of work I do. Well, that is not okay with me! Not what I signed up for, you know!
Well now I'm here waitin to hear all about how it (my friends mediation wit her UGLY ASSED, 50year old baby daddy)goes. Can't wait! I sure hope she can hold it together in there cause honestly, homegirl got sum loose screwbuls (poor impulse control, and emotion regulation skills). But I could not do it for her! If I did she will never build the skills or the confidence to do anything for herself. And besides that, youi all know, I got my own issues and I'm one step away from crackin myself. Lol. It is the truth!
Anyways, I'm back to work and it is hard bein gone all day. I have been exhausted, mostly mentally. Woo, honey something has got to give and two months off just did not cut it!!! Peace Bloggers until we meet again.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Last day of group make-up

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

04/01/10

FEELINGS: I feel okay. a little lazy to post but I haven't posted in a few days. Overall, I am okay. Maybe a little manic. LOL, I was SO MARY (my crazy mother who moves furniture and piles and piles of cloths from one room to another constantly). I got my dolly and I pulled the wicker dresser that I got from freecycle up a flight of stairs all alone. When I got it into the living room, my son was sitting his lazy ass here at the computer. If I hadn't of asked he was gone let me pull it up the second flight without any help as well. Kinda hurt my feelings that he did not offer to help his mom moving a heavy piece of furniture all alone. What is this world coming to?

GOALS: My goals for this week seem to have been on hold or unconscious today. I easily lose sight of what the hell I am suppose to be focused on. I have not thought about managing my emotions today. Maybe, it is because I just did not have any distressing emotions today. I have been worrying about returning to work though. Monday is the BIG DAY! G1) no mood log yesterday. I'll do it tonight. G2) gotta practice affirmations tonight too. I believe that I practiced them one time yesterday. G3) no compliments of any men, I have not seen any...or noticed them rather. G4)no work out yesterday or today. I put on cloths for working out but I did not feel too good so I never made it to the gym today.

My AFFIRMATIONS: http://www.sucessconciousness.com
1) everything is getting better every day.
2) I have a wonderful and satisfying job.
3) I radiate love and happiness.
4) my body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.
5) my thoughts are under my control.
6) I am happy because happy thoughts attract happy people.
7) I am successful because nurturing a feeling of success attracts into your life.
8) I imagine myself as fabulous because the image I have of myself is responsible for the way people see and treat me.
9) Success is flowing into my life.
10) every time I inhale, I fill myself with energy of prosperity.
11) many money channels are opening for me.

COPING SKILLS: No success doing these things. I will try to do them all right now.

SUMMARY: The week is coming to an end and I have not done very well meeting these goals, I don't think. I need to work harder on these things if I want success??? but I know I do. I just don't quite know how to stay focused on these boring things even though they are suppose to help keep me sane.