Itsa small world afterall

My prison love ministry (dating someone in prison) is going well.  I love him.  He still won't allow me to visit but now I know.   It is because his family is usually there and WE are not ready to make this a family affair.  Sound reasonable to me.  I just wish he hada been straight about that from the gate instead of me playing the guess game with him.  I mean, that guessing game drove me insane.  Almost cost us the whole relationship.  I was throwing mini tantrums left and right back to back.  He started calling me Dr. Jeckle Mr. Hyde.  I can understand that! haha

Anyways, the most recent drama is that we found out that I used to date (and slept with) his cousin about a year ago.  Itsa small small world isnt it?  So, I went out to a party on Saturday night and I guess who I bumped into? Your right, I bumped into the cousin who had the nerves to try to heme me up.  He said that I broke his heart for the second time and now I am with his boy.  He said that he doesn't know what he did to cause me to leave him alone but whatever it was it was not intentional.  I felt like I was in a awkward situation.  I tried to apologize, make amends, and renew our friendship.  He seemed to me to still have feelings for me and he told me all this even though my new boo is his cousin/homeboy.  I was flattered, surprisingly.  The only reason I left him alone is because he did not have time for me.  I liked him too.  So, I was torn about whether or not I would tell my new boo about his cousin.  I did not want to keep any secrets but I also did not want him to hear it from someone else.  I know I don't want to come between family.  What should I have done?  I told my new boo about what happened and I did not leave out a thing.  I told him that we hugged and that I tried to give him my phone number but he didn't write it down.

Goin thru changes

I have been goin thru some changes for some time now. I have been thinking about how fat I have gotten and I am not happy. I have reached an all time low self esteem wise. Last night I was looking at old photos of myself 10years ago. I was hot...but now I'm not! Problem is that I don't like my life the way it is but I feel paralyzed and stuck in this nightmare. I gotta get myself out of this rut that I have been in for at least 8 years. What am I gonna do? The answer is change. I only wish change was not such a difficult thing to do. I wish I could afford a trainer or coach but I can not so I have to do it all on my owns. Tomorrow I plan to do water aerobics. Hopefully by next week I'll be doing sprints. I got a family reunion to attend in June, a wedding in August, and I got to look good when I visit my prison love ministry any day now.
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Back again

Hello no man's land. I am back again to post a blog. I am actually sitting at work taking a much needed breaky break! I been working hard none stop today and my brain says its time for a break. You know? Anyhow, I re-read my last post and I wanted to give you (no man's land) a update on my prison love ministry :-) I still like the guy in prison and we have graduated to one 15 minute collect call per week. It sounds horrible when I think about it but it has not been so bad (oh course I have not got my first phone bill yet). Our conversations are cool and I find myself smiling for the whole 15 minutes. To me that is huge because I have not had a man making me smile for any minutes in at least 2 years.

I still can't share any of this with my family. Parts of me enjoy this man and what we share but other parts of me have a major problem with dating a man in prison. I guess the worst part for me is not knowing if he will be able to secure a job and provide for me when he gets out. So he went before the parole board and they determined that he is suitable for parole but he won't be paroles for 2-3 more years from now. When I think about waiting I only think that I have nothing to lose because there has been absolutely nothing going on for me out here. I do not meet men (or women) and I do not have any other candidates lined up to let me drain their babies. Is this a pitiful situation or what?

Parts of me feel ashamed but parts of me loves (yes I said it) this man. I love him for the very attractive and smart man he is. I love him his super positive attitude and caring spirit but then again don't most men in prison take on this persona? Also, he wasn't so smart 15years ago when he made a really poor decision landing himself in prison. So I just hope that he will come home to me soon enough and becomes a production member of society. The way that I see it is that it would not be any more of a tragedy for me if it does not work out between the two of us since I don't have any other options anyways. He is my only option at this time. If things change then maybe it would be another story but I don't see that happening being that my social life is non existent and I don't have any guys dying to date me. I should be a hot commodity but I am just not! I don't know if it is because me and my mental problems or something else. Probably the mental problems. Well check this. If I marry this guy in prison at least I'll have a dedicated and faithful man for a period of time. I think I'll enjoy that and it would be the highlight of my life for awhile. Even if it is a facade. To be in love for a couple of years with this man I loved when I was a teenager seems like a fairytale and I want my fairytale even if only for a while.

However, there is this one problem. Our relationship is not progressing quick enough. He is not allowing me to visit him for some bizarre reason. I wonder is he hiding something. I try to think positively and let destiny take it's course but ... you know. We have been talking on the phone for at least 3wks and writing for at least 4 months and he is local. We could totally be visiting already and he refusing to send me a visitors form. Seems fishy huh? Why wouldn't he want me to visit him when he is claiming to love me and all the shit. Lord please don't let this man be lying to me. It would crush me to get dogged again and this time by a man who ain't even out. Would be pitiful. Well I'll keep ya posted and up to date on my Quest for love.

Oh I almost forgot.  I got good news.  I calculated my hours for my Marriage and Family Therapist license and I am really close to completion.  What that means is that I will be able to take the exam for my license really soon and I will then be a licensed MFT.  Yippie!