on 07/14/11

So, today and yesterday have been extremely slow and boring at work but I am proud of myself that I have not been all down about my break up,  I mean my prison love ministry.  However, everyday I look in the mailbox hoping  that there will be a letter from him.  Each day there is not.  He had to stop writing me well before he knew that the phone calls were blocked and I was cutting off the relationship/friendship thing.  That kinda of pisses me off though.  He said that he loved me and sold me the dream that we would be together.  I should've known that I could not trust him and none before him.  This all makes me not want to date anyone anymore and if I do not show them who I am.  Anyways, I will get past this soon.

I feel fat today. I missed the gym two days in a row.  Plus, I ate a big ole salad with blue cheese dressing and two pieces of sourdough bread with butter for lunch.  I only drank one bottle of water and it had some generic crystal light in it.  I learned today that artificial sweeteners are not a part of clean eating and should not be a part of my diet.  I learned that I may be addicted to sweetener since I can't imagine my life without it.  I absolutely hate plain water.  It is so hard for me to drink water.  It taste disgusting. http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/what-are-you-eating/the-case-against-diet-soda-and-aspartame-and-splenda-and/

Today

Today was a very boring day but I am proud to report that I did not spend a bunch of time thinking about my prison love ministry and I have not cried in 2 days (I think).  I wonder am I getting over him this quick.  It might take less time to get over a person that you have not seen in over 20 years.  Maybe I am a little grateful that he did not allow me to come visit him in prison.
 
Diet.  I do not know how I am doing on the diet.  For some reason I am not sure if I am eating the right amount of calories (since I don't know how to calorie count).  I try to estimate the number of calories in each meal and I have laid off of sugar and over processed carbs.  What exactly does that mean?  Well, I guess it means that I am trying to only eat foods that are from the earth (not man made) in their natural state. 

Exercise has been going okay.  I went to the gym this morning and I REALLY did not feel like it.  It was a struggle getting out of bed today.  That made me late to the gym and I had to modify my workout but at least I went.  I went yesterday too.  I go at 6:30am.  I think I am really tired in the evenings as a result.  I mean I am used to getting up at 8am even though I start work at 9am. 

Why do we love love when love seems to hate us?

Jazmine Sullivan asked us "why do we love love when love seems o hate us" and I am wondering why I take myself through this (love thing) over and over again.  What is it about love that I am so addicted to?  What is it about me that makes love such a unobtainable thing?

Well last night was difficult.  I am grieving the loss of my prison love ministry.  He meant a lot to me. I really thought I had to look no further and love had found me.  Honestly, I saw myself married and pregnant within one year but that ain't gone happen.  Now things are all messed up and we are a thing of the past.  So he said that we should just be friends and then I decided that I could not handle that.  I don't want to be his friend but I love him and I want to be more than friends.  Is that weird?  I just can't continue to love this man and sit back waiting and waiting for me to become a priority in his life.  Someone told be "don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?".  They also said that I'd be "destined for pain" if I love him and he wants to be friends"...sitting around waiting and watching his life unfold.  So, the decision was made and I barely needed anytime to think about it.  I know myself and I can't be friends him.  I don't even want to try or talk about it with him.

I am really angry and hurt by all of this and it makes me really sad.  I just feel like I will never find a man who will be able to put up with all my issues (the depression, the crying, the confusion, the low self esteem, the mood fluctuations).  The most hurtful thing is the risk of sharing myself it takes to even find out.  I am a Taurus and I am territorial.  I am sensitive about my shit.  I mean I don't share myself with any and everyone.  It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to share all the parts of me with them.  That is why this is such a tragedy for me.  Anyways, thanks for listening, no mans land

OMG, Quest derailment

Okay, no man's land, today I feel like my Quest for love (self-love and romantic) has been totally derailed.  Well, as far as the diet goes (eating healthier, and working out) I've been doing okay this week.  I kind of modified what I call myself doing. Now I am clear that instead of not eating ANY starchy carbs I am more focused on not eating over processed sugar and foods and learning how to calorie count.  The calorie counting thing is difficult for me to do because I don't quite understand how to equate the numbers but I am learning from this really great facebook blogger ( http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com)/  So, I'll be doing it in no time.  I had planned to sit down and calculate some numbers today but my mind is just too boggled.  I can not focus because I am really sad, frustrated, angry, distraught, and SO dumped.

So, my prison love ministry dumped me.  He told me that he only wants to be friends with me.  I am let down because I am romantically attracted to him.  I am sad because I thought I was well off in my Quest and my future husband was to get out of prison (I feel so stupid saying this out loud) soon.  Actually, today he got his release date.  So, he waits until he is soon to be released and then decides that he does not want to be with me.  This is a major blow to my self esteem.  I've got so many issues that I can't even get a prison inmate/soon to be parolee to commit to me.  Wow! That statement brought tears to my eyes.

I am really sad about the loss because as you know I thought highly of him.  He has accomplished a lot in prison and seemed to be a really good person.  Now, I feel like I've had a mean game ran on me.  I mean he spent several months and lots of energy convincing me that he was qualified to be with me and it was safe to love him.  Then once I love him and want to be with him he switches it up.  I should have broke it off when he first told me that he did not want me to visit and he wanted us to remain friends for the remainder of his sentence.  He told me that he was protecting me but I now see (more clearly) that he was just making things easier for him.  I feel awful with a heavy heart.  How could I be so dumb.  I've made a major mistake and it this is a major set back for me emotionally. 

I am taking this very personal because 1) I suffer from depression and that is what we do and 2) I just can't believe that I am back at square one in my Quest for love and I am really hopeless about my ability to meet someone else.  This is a painful reality.  I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am not desirable to men anymore and I get absolutely no attention from the opposite sex when I go out.  It really feels like a pretty hopeless situation.  I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me beyond my weight and insecurities.  I thought he would love me for me because he was in prison and had time to fully get to know who I am in the inside.  Honestly, I think it is that person who ran him away.  So I think I am fucked up on the outside and on the inside I am not a attractive or likable person either,  You see this is crushing.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this either.  Our relationship/friendship never became a serious commitment so I did not have any reason to share our relationship with anyone outside of therapy and no mans land.  So, now I am all jacked up inside and I have no support system to help me through this.

He basically told me that we would never be more than friends but expected that we'd continue to write and talk on the phone but boy will he feel my wrath when he discovers that will not be happening.  I wrote him a letter and told him that I can not be friends with him any longer because this is all too hurtful for me.  Also, his phone access is restricted.  I am gone.  It is over !  I am sharing with you my feelings of hurt and I am really hurt.  However, I am good at keeping it moving after a break-up and doing bad by myself.  I don't need a man to make me feel bad about myself and my life because I already got that covered.  Since my life is already suffering, it's nothing to leave him cold turkey and suffer (in silence)without him knowing a thing.  He will probably think I am a cold piece of work to just abandon him like this (cut and dry) but bump what he thinks this is about me right now.

UGGGh!  I am just so angry and frustrated.  How did I let myself get into this mess.  How will I recover?  Anyways, thanks for listening no mans land.   

July 4th

So, I went to the family picnic. It was pretty ok until the end right before I got in my car to leave. I saw my (only) male cousin and I tried to hug him and he refused. I walked up to him and said "I was chasing you trying to hug you" and he said "I can't do that (hug me)". It really kinda hurt my feelings. I can't believe that he is still angry about something that happened several years ago. I don't even recall exactly why he is mad at me but he stormed off like it happened yesterday. The whole experience reminded me that "my" family picnic is actually "their" family picnic and I maybe was not as welcome as I thought. It was at that very moment that all the instances confirming that belief flashed before my eyes. Like the fact that cousin Kym (his sister) did not hug me either. Reminded me that they don't like my mother and none of her daughters...they say that we are messy but truth is no one is messier than their mother. Their mother is the glue to our family. She is older and I can't help but wonder what will happen if she passes...you think its bad now. Why does it matter? I don't even see them enough to really be trippen off them but I am. Family is important to me and I want us to all get alone but that's not happening! So I shed a couple of tears on the ride home and then I wished for my Antwan Fisher family to find me soon. I am SO old to not have a man. I need my husband to find his way home soon. Just wanted to talk about my 4th of July with someone who would be neutral and who wouldn't judge or blame me for what happened. Thanks no man's land!Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Day 5- BROKEN DIET

Today there was a pizza party at my job.  Pizza is my favorite.  I could not resist it, so I didn't but I did not have to eat 5 pieces...  Now I am sitting here feeling all down on myself!  I don't feel like I want to give up totally and go all out on a eating binge but I am feeling bad about it all. 

All day I have been reading this blog that I follow on face book called, "A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss".  If I knew how to link it I would.  Sorry no man's land (my blog).  Anyways, this blog is SO positive and today I read learning from my mistakes.  I remember being really hungry unprepared today.  I did not pack a lunch therefore when I heard about the pizza I was set on it.  Then the pizza altered my ability to just eat one.  Also, I been feeling like maybe the cold turkey is a bit too restrictive and unrealistic for me.  I been thinking all day (after reading this blog) that I need to try another approach. First this I need to do is mental and emotional.  I figure out how to focus on being healthy rather than losing weight to be more desirable and attractive to men.  I don't really know how to change my mind set but I know that I want to.  It has everything to do with self love and value.  I don't have that and I don't know how to get it.  I been working on it in therapy but still have not had any luck.  Well until I can learn to want to become a healthier me I think I will continue to fake it and just keep struggling until I get it right or die trying...

Excerpted from How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?

How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?

by Erika Nicole Kendall


The title question is one that I saw come across my screen the other day and, in my usual fashion, I replied snarkily.


“You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.”

When I posted news of my engagement on the blog, a reader asked me what I meant by the following: I know myself. The old Erika would’ve made a man like my current fiancé take off running in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate him for who he is if I were the old me.

Excerpted from Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal
A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss

and really, it’s easy. Sort of.

My weight problems were a result of an emotional problem I had. Love is an emotion, a volatile one, at that. If I couldn’t handle my emotions properly and believed that the answer to all of my troubles could be found in the bottom of a container of Blue Bell, please believe that my lack of communication and problem solving skills would affect any relationships I’d engage in. Please believe I’d not be able to identify when a man actually loved me because I didn’t know what love looked like. I didn’t know what it felt like. I didn’t know how to identify it. And because I didn’t know how to identify love or the feelings it brings out of a person, it affected the love I gave and how I showed affection. It affected a lot. I just wasn’t a pretty picture.

It doesn’t sound like someone that a person who desires marriage would be interested in for anything long term. Someone emotionally stunted? Yeah, not so much.

When I talked about loving myself before, I wrote that I looked at how I loved my child – what I would sacrifice for her happiness, what I would struggle to acquire for her, what I wanted to ensure she would always have mentally as well as physically – and I wondered why I didn’t love myself the same way. It was through learning that process of giving love to myself in a very deliberate fashion that I learned what it was like to love someone. I mean, my daughter? I’d never even questioned my love for her. I’d never questioned what it felt like to love her. I’d never studied how hard I work to make her happy. I’d never questioned why I do the things I do for her. But turning that love back onto myself? There lied the challenge.

A combination of love and faith in that love got me to where I am, now. The things I’ve given up for Mini-me, the sacrifices I’ve made for her and the faith I had in the fact that I was doing the right thing all paid off, because those sacrifices are beginning to pay off for me in the end. Learning to sacrifice for myself? Win. Learning what it looks like to sacrifice, and see that sacrifice pay off for the recipient? Double win. Having someone in my life who is attracted to my ability to love and commit and sacrifice? That’s everything.

Can you imagine pouring everything you’ve got into someone who can’t give it back? Can you imagine displaying a willingness to give up everything for a person, and they not give in the same way? To value someone that highly, and know you aren’t seen worthy of the same? You’d leave, and rightfully so.

Loving myself requires effort. I have to show it every day. In the face of opportunities that might feel much more rewarding (like, say, binge eating), I have to make the hard choice out of love. I did it every day for my daughter, I learned to do it for myself and now, with a third addition to my household, he’s someone else I do it for.

In the book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck once wrote that we apply meanings and feelings to love that don’t, actually, belong there… that once we realize that love is not essentially romantic and not, essentially, a feeling, we get to the point where we realize that love is an investment that requires work and effort to grow. It’s foregoing instant gratification for the pursuit of a higher goal, which is – more often than not – some kind of growth. While Peck was speaking spcifically to the growth of another individual, it’d be years after I first read the book that I realized it could apply to the growth of your own self, as well.

I do what I need to do for me. I know I’m beating an emotional eating habit. I turn down the things that trigger it. I don’t allow certain things in my house. I don’t give myself the chance to make excuses. I make the hard decisions for me because I know that I’m not ready to find out whether I’m ready. I am on an active path of loving myself, and I feel the benefits of such. It’s how I give, and it’s changed how I love. I’m more free, and I’m more vulnerable, and I’m happy.

I know not everyone will be able to relate to that, and while there are people who don’t care to read me talking about love all the time… don’t worry. I don’t care to blog about it all the time, either. However, because I talk about body image, compassion and learning to love oneself… and because my view of “love” is all-encompassing, I think it makes sense to mention here.

Soooooo, as snarky as I was being, I was actually kind of truthful. “You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.” And just like your body thanks you and shows you, in return, the benefits of that kind of love by loving you back the same way? I’ve learned that pouring that kind of love into other human beings causes the exact same effect. It’s a powerful cycle, and can only make life better.





Excerpted from How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?
A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss

It was the pills

I am ashamed to say it out loud but in addition to dieting I have been taking these diet pills (Quicktrim).  I found out today that it was the diet pills and not the diet that had me feeling so ill.  Today I cut the dose of the pills in half and I am not half as hungry as I have been all week.  Today, actually feels a bit more bearable.  I am about to eat my 3rd meal.  I will have some cucumbers, tomatoes, and vinegar with a coconut water and I am looking forward to that.  Today we had a bridal shower at work and there was cake and all kinds of other snacks and I did not eat them.  Besides that I ordered my salad from the Cafe' and they gave me my regular, two breads.  I did not eat them either.  It was the first time I had the urge to cheat though.  Those fresh sourdough breads w/ butter be so GOOD!  I am proud of myself for not eating it though.  I can't wait to start seeing the results from my hard work.  It has only been 4 days but it has been really hard.  I know that there will be a pay off if I am patient and stick to it but I am anxious to see the pay off. 

I feel so much better today that I may make it to the gym tonight.  All the other days this week I was suffering so bad that I was taking my sleep aid and going to bed early (like 8pm).  I am a little tired and I have not noticed a major change in my energy level.  I actually think that I have adverse reactions to the caffeine in these diet pills.  I think I feel a little dizzy, weak, and achy but then again it is almost time to eat.  I thought that getting healthy was suppose to make me feel good.  I hope things continue to improve and I will keep posting to no mans land (my blog).  The postings are really helping me.  I think that they are helping me learn what I feel in relation to food.  I am actually convinced that I do not know what hunger feels like since I thought that the stomach pains that I was having cause d by the pills was EXTREME hunger (starvation).  I have been drinking lots of water too and eventually I will be able to distinguish hunger from thirst and depression or illness from hunger.  Right now it all feels the same to me.  It is just a overall sense of ill that I feel and I was interpreting it as hunger.  Today, I am starting to question everything but in the end I should have some major insights about the sensations of my body.

Oh yeah, so the diet system has a detox component which is a additional pill that I take at night.  Well to make a long story short, I been poopin today.  I guess that is good.  I will keep ya posted.

Anyways, to mention my Quest for romantic love.  I wrote my prison love ministry a letter today.  I received a letter from him last night and it was pretty pleasant.  Not every letter from him is pleasant.  For a while it was actually starting like feel all our communications were offensive or combative.  We were going back and forth at offending each other.  I don't think it was on purpose though.  I think it is that we are both so guarded and therefore always defensive.  I still think he is right for me though for many different reasons but it is still hard to understand why I would want a man who has spent majority of his life in prison.  Sometimes I question my sanity but I try not to judge.  So I am not sure if I shared it or not but he was deemed appropriate for parole and next week he will get his parole date.  I am so nervous and I really hope that they decide to release him right away.  That has actually happened for a couple of his friends since we have been talking...so I have hope.  However, i am nervous about the changes our relationship will go through once he is released.  Right now we are just friends who just write (no visiting remember) but I want to move quickly into love and marriage because as you know I want to have a baby in the next year or so.  Hum.  It is so complicated.

          

Shawnie and Tebo's cold turkey day 3

I have to start by saying "OMG, I am so hungry!" 

So HELLO, no mans land (my blog), as you know I am on this Quest for love (self love and romantic).  In my endeavor,  I spoke to an old friend Shawnie on Thursday of last week about the "cold turkey".  The "cold turkey" is what I have named the no starchy carb diet that helped Shawnie and Tebo (friends from my early adulthood) to become the fit and slim divas that they are today.  We used to all hang out and back then we were all around the same size (size 10-12).  Nowadays I am a 16 and they are more like a 6.  So, I decided to ask them (separately/independently) for advice on how to loss weight.  Well they told me the same thing.  They told me that when I am serious about weight loss I have to go cold turkey on sugar and starchy carbs.  Well, I am serious about weight loss and I am tired of seeing the (what Shawnie calls) fat gurl in the mirror.  So, today is day three of my endeavors to change my eating habits and lose the weight.  However, I am really stressed out because I am SO hungry.  I know that people say mind over matter and that my hunger is a mental thing but dam!  I know that this pain in my belly is not a mental thing.  It is real.  I am so hungry no matter how much of this rabbit food (non starchy carbs and protein) that I eat.  I need some serious help.  I am eating a lot of food...constantly eating something.  I am frustrated so I decided to blog about it with hope that blogging will help me get through this.  I also opted to follow a bunch of folks who are in similar situations.  It is so hard that I have renewed my commitment to Christ and I  been praying like some kind of nun or monk.  Well pray for me no mans land (my blog).  Thanks

feels funky

Well I thought it'd be nice for me to try and process my feelings today.  So, how do I feel about this?  Well this is the run down.  Yesterday I talked to my prison love ministry on the phone.  I told him that my therapist said that there are holes in his story about why I can't visit him.  That took our conversation in the wrong direction and my feelings ended up being hurt.  I agreed not to share my negative feelings anymore because I don't want to add stress to his already stressful life.  So, I have been harboring this kinda uneasy feeling.  I can't exactly gage what I am feeling but whatever it is it is definitely not good.  The way I interpreted his response was like this BITCH I don't trust you and I am not sure that I even want to be with you so HELL NO you can't come visit with my family.  I don't even want my family to know you exist.  I am keeping you a secret.  what he actually said sounded more like this I can't let "just anybody" close to me/visit with me and my family.  Just anybody?  So I am just a any ole body?  WOW, that kinda hurts me.  Can't share what I feel with him though because he already has enough to worry about.  I told him that I only want to be a positive entity in his life...I don't want to be a source of stress for him but where does that leave me (feelings wise). He says things that hurt my feelings and I don't get to defend myself because I am in the selfless relationship.  Hopefully at some point I don't get really frustrated and just get selfish on that ass.  It is hard because I usually am selfish about taking care of me and my feelings.  This time (I guess) I am trying something new.  He says that he does not want to hurt me and if he thought he was hurting me he would remove himself from the equation.  I don't want that.  He asked me to think about if I really like drama.  As far as I know I do not like drama.  I don't like to bicker and have constant disagreements but I also don't want to be no fool and just let him talk to me and treat me any ole kinda way.  Usually, this is the time when I get ghost.  I feel something weird...can't quite identify what it is but I know it feels funky so I kick the suckas to the curb and don't look back.  Why am I not doing that here?  I really don't know.  The reason is totally selfless because I clearly am not getting all that I need out of this relationship. In fact I get let down on a regular basis.  I am making myself sad and I feel like crying and that is not good.  It is not my idea of a healthy relationship.  Speaking of healthy relationships.  He says that he wants a healthy relationship with me and that is what he is trying to develop.  I don't know it just feels funky.  When I was barely interested in him he was convincing me to choose him and now that I have chosen him he decided that he does not know if he wants me anymore.  That is nerve racking.  It makes me feel like this is a game to him.  He said that things were going too fast and we needed to slow things down.  Now, do I respect that and just wait, risking that he won't want me in the end or do I leave now while I am ahead.  I am afraid!  Whats a girl to do? 

Itsa small world afterall

My prison love ministry (dating someone in prison) is going well.  I love him.  He still won't allow me to visit but now I know.   It is because his family is usually there and WE are not ready to make this a family affair.  Sound reasonable to me.  I just wish he hada been straight about that from the gate instead of me playing the guess game with him.  I mean, that guessing game drove me insane.  Almost cost us the whole relationship.  I was throwing mini tantrums left and right back to back.  He started calling me Dr. Jeckle Mr. Hyde.  I can understand that! haha

Anyways, the most recent drama is that we found out that I used to date (and slept with) his cousin about a year ago.  Itsa small small world isnt it?  So, I went out to a party on Saturday night and I guess who I bumped into? Your right, I bumped into the cousin who had the nerves to try to heme me up.  He said that I broke his heart for the second time and now I am with his boy.  He said that he doesn't know what he did to cause me to leave him alone but whatever it was it was not intentional.  I felt like I was in a awkward situation.  I tried to apologize, make amends, and renew our friendship.  He seemed to me to still have feelings for me and he told me all this even though my new boo is his cousin/homeboy.  I was flattered, surprisingly.  The only reason I left him alone is because he did not have time for me.  I liked him too.  So, I was torn about whether or not I would tell my new boo about his cousin.  I did not want to keep any secrets but I also did not want him to hear it from someone else.  I know I don't want to come between family.  What should I have done?  I told my new boo about what happened and I did not leave out a thing.  I told him that we hugged and that I tried to give him my phone number but he didn't write it down.

Goin thru changes

I have been goin thru some changes for some time now. I have been thinking about how fat I have gotten and I am not happy. I have reached an all time low self esteem wise. Last night I was looking at old photos of myself 10years ago. I was hot...but now I'm not! Problem is that I don't like my life the way it is but I feel paralyzed and stuck in this nightmare. I gotta get myself out of this rut that I have been in for at least 8 years. What am I gonna do? The answer is change. I only wish change was not such a difficult thing to do. I wish I could afford a trainer or coach but I can not so I have to do it all on my owns. Tomorrow I plan to do water aerobics. Hopefully by next week I'll be doing sprints. I got a family reunion to attend in June, a wedding in August, and I got to look good when I visit my prison love ministry any day now.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Back again

Hello no man's land. I am back again to post a blog. I am actually sitting at work taking a much needed breaky break! I been working hard none stop today and my brain says its time for a break. You know? Anyhow, I re-read my last post and I wanted to give you (no man's land) a update on my prison love ministry :-) I still like the guy in prison and we have graduated to one 15 minute collect call per week. It sounds horrible when I think about it but it has not been so bad (oh course I have not got my first phone bill yet). Our conversations are cool and I find myself smiling for the whole 15 minutes. To me that is huge because I have not had a man making me smile for any minutes in at least 2 years.

I still can't share any of this with my family. Parts of me enjoy this man and what we share but other parts of me have a major problem with dating a man in prison. I guess the worst part for me is not knowing if he will be able to secure a job and provide for me when he gets out. So he went before the parole board and they determined that he is suitable for parole but he won't be paroles for 2-3 more years from now. When I think about waiting I only think that I have nothing to lose because there has been absolutely nothing going on for me out here. I do not meet men (or women) and I do not have any other candidates lined up to let me drain their babies. Is this a pitiful situation or what?

Parts of me feel ashamed but parts of me loves (yes I said it) this man. I love him for the very attractive and smart man he is. I love him his super positive attitude and caring spirit but then again don't most men in prison take on this persona? Also, he wasn't so smart 15years ago when he made a really poor decision landing himself in prison. So I just hope that he will come home to me soon enough and becomes a production member of society. The way that I see it is that it would not be any more of a tragedy for me if it does not work out between the two of us since I don't have any other options anyways. He is my only option at this time. If things change then maybe it would be another story but I don't see that happening being that my social life is non existent and I don't have any guys dying to date me. I should be a hot commodity but I am just not! I don't know if it is because me and my mental problems or something else. Probably the mental problems. Well check this. If I marry this guy in prison at least I'll have a dedicated and faithful man for a period of time. I think I'll enjoy that and it would be the highlight of my life for awhile. Even if it is a facade. To be in love for a couple of years with this man I loved when I was a teenager seems like a fairytale and I want my fairytale even if only for a while.

However, there is this one problem. Our relationship is not progressing quick enough. He is not allowing me to visit him for some bizarre reason. I wonder is he hiding something. I try to think positively and let destiny take it's course but ... you know. We have been talking on the phone for at least 3wks and writing for at least 4 months and he is local. We could totally be visiting already and he refusing to send me a visitors form. Seems fishy huh? Why wouldn't he want me to visit him when he is claiming to love me and all the shit. Lord please don't let this man be lying to me. It would crush me to get dogged again and this time by a man who ain't even out. Would be pitiful. Well I'll keep ya posted and up to date on my Quest for love.

Oh I almost forgot.  I got good news.  I calculated my hours for my Marriage and Family Therapist license and I am really close to completion.  What that means is that I will be able to take the exam for my license really soon and I will then be a licensed MFT.  Yippie!

New Love

Its 2:30 am and I wide awake. Can't sleep because I took some Execedrin for a headache earlier. Now the caffeine in it has me wired. So I decided to blog into no mans land about my quest these days. Well, I have a jail love ministry now. Lol. No but I am seeing someone in prison and I can't believe it but I am. And to make it worst, I think he is my soul mate. As you know, I have a Masters in Counseling Psych. Well, he is trained in Mental Health and he runs groups and works with at risk teenagers at the prison. He helps them turn their lives around and hopefully avoid prison. I really think that he is doing great things in jail and I can see him being successful out here working with teen boys. He is amazing but his situation is not ideal. Well he goes before the parole board next week on the 8th and I am nervous. He will learn if he will be coming home in 1year or 3-5 more years. Either way. I enjoy what we share. He was my first childhood love and now we have reacquainted. My family would never condone to such behavior. So I think I'm going to marry him and keep it a secret from my family until he gets out. I just really need to drain him for his seeds so that I can make a baby before 40. Time is ticking and though he's in prison he is doin more than any of the men who are trying to date me out here. We're in the honeymoon phase of our relationship so things are new. Emotions are high and everything. We are enjoying bein pen pals right now. It reminds me of that pure puppy love we all had in our early years. However, it feels good. I like him! Woulda never guessed that I'd even consider a person in jail but because we dated when we were teenagers I feel a special connection with him. Besides that we both talk psychobabble and are trained in Mental Illness. We both want to work with at risk youth and help save lives. He is my flavor plus he reads the DSM IV. How bizarre. I dream of us being a "power couple" and starting a program for at risk youth. See. I don't meet ever this type who can relate to my career. Right now, I am following my heart no matter what my family might say. Its me whose got to live this life of mines. So we will see where my quest will lead me. Will this guy be my destiny? Only time will tell. What's your take on dating a guy in prision?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®