Jazmine Sullivan asked us "why do we love love when love seems o hate us" and I am wondering why I take myself through this (love thing) over and over again. What is it about love that I am so addicted to? What is it about me that makes love such a unobtainable thing?
Well last night was difficult. I am grieving the loss of my prison love ministry. He meant a lot to me. I really thought I had to look no further and love had found me. Honestly, I saw myself married and pregnant within one year but that ain't gone happen. Now things are all messed up and we are a thing of the past. So he said that we should just be friends and then I decided that I could not handle that. I don't want to be his friend but I love him and I want to be more than friends. Is that weird? I just can't continue to love this man and sit back waiting and waiting for me to become a priority in his life. Someone told be "don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?". They also said that I'd be "destined for pain" if I love him and he wants to be friends"...sitting around waiting and watching his life unfold. So, the decision was made and I barely needed anytime to think about it. I know myself and I can't be friends him. I don't even want to try or talk about it with him.
I am really angry and hurt by all of this and it makes me really sad. I just feel like I will never find a man who will be able to put up with all my issues (the depression, the crying, the confusion, the low self esteem, the mood fluctuations). The most hurtful thing is the risk of sharing myself it takes to even find out. I am a Taurus and I am territorial. I am sensitive about my shit. I mean I don't share myself with any and everyone. It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to share all the parts of me with them. That is why this is such a tragedy for me. Anyways, thanks for listening, no mans land
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