It was the pills

I am ashamed to say it out loud but in addition to dieting I have been taking these diet pills (Quicktrim).  I found out today that it was the diet pills and not the diet that had me feeling so ill.  Today I cut the dose of the pills in half and I am not half as hungry as I have been all week.  Today, actually feels a bit more bearable.  I am about to eat my 3rd meal.  I will have some cucumbers, tomatoes, and vinegar with a coconut water and I am looking forward to that.  Today we had a bridal shower at work and there was cake and all kinds of other snacks and I did not eat them.  Besides that I ordered my salad from the Cafe' and they gave me my regular, two breads.  I did not eat them either.  It was the first time I had the urge to cheat though.  Those fresh sourdough breads w/ butter be so GOOD!  I am proud of myself for not eating it though.  I can't wait to start seeing the results from my hard work.  It has only been 4 days but it has been really hard.  I know that there will be a pay off if I am patient and stick to it but I am anxious to see the pay off. 

I feel so much better today that I may make it to the gym tonight.  All the other days this week I was suffering so bad that I was taking my sleep aid and going to bed early (like 8pm).  I am a little tired and I have not noticed a major change in my energy level.  I actually think that I have adverse reactions to the caffeine in these diet pills.  I think I feel a little dizzy, weak, and achy but then again it is almost time to eat.  I thought that getting healthy was suppose to make me feel good.  I hope things continue to improve and I will keep posting to no mans land (my blog).  The postings are really helping me.  I think that they are helping me learn what I feel in relation to food.  I am actually convinced that I do not know what hunger feels like since I thought that the stomach pains that I was having cause d by the pills was EXTREME hunger (starvation).  I have been drinking lots of water too and eventually I will be able to distinguish hunger from thirst and depression or illness from hunger.  Right now it all feels the same to me.  It is just a overall sense of ill that I feel and I was interpreting it as hunger.  Today, I am starting to question everything but in the end I should have some major insights about the sensations of my body.

Oh yeah, so the diet system has a detox component which is a additional pill that I take at night.  Well to make a long story short, I been poopin today.  I guess that is good.  I will keep ya posted.

Anyways, to mention my Quest for romantic love.  I wrote my prison love ministry a letter today.  I received a letter from him last night and it was pretty pleasant.  Not every letter from him is pleasant.  For a while it was actually starting like feel all our communications were offensive or combative.  We were going back and forth at offending each other.  I don't think it was on purpose though.  I think it is that we are both so guarded and therefore always defensive.  I still think he is right for me though for many different reasons but it is still hard to understand why I would want a man who has spent majority of his life in prison.  Sometimes I question my sanity but I try not to judge.  So I am not sure if I shared it or not but he was deemed appropriate for parole and next week he will get his parole date.  I am so nervous and I really hope that they decide to release him right away.  That has actually happened for a couple of his friends since we have been talking...so I have hope.  However, i am nervous about the changes our relationship will go through once he is released.  Right now we are just friends who just write (no visiting remember) but I want to move quickly into love and marriage because as you know I want to have a baby in the next year or so.  Hum.  It is so complicated.

          

Shawnie and Tebo's cold turkey day 3

I have to start by saying "OMG, I am so hungry!" 

So HELLO, no mans land (my blog), as you know I am on this Quest for love (self love and romantic).  In my endeavor,  I spoke to an old friend Shawnie on Thursday of last week about the "cold turkey".  The "cold turkey" is what I have named the no starchy carb diet that helped Shawnie and Tebo (friends from my early adulthood) to become the fit and slim divas that they are today.  We used to all hang out and back then we were all around the same size (size 10-12).  Nowadays I am a 16 and they are more like a 6.  So, I decided to ask them (separately/independently) for advice on how to loss weight.  Well they told me the same thing.  They told me that when I am serious about weight loss I have to go cold turkey on sugar and starchy carbs.  Well, I am serious about weight loss and I am tired of seeing the (what Shawnie calls) fat gurl in the mirror.  So, today is day three of my endeavors to change my eating habits and lose the weight.  However, I am really stressed out because I am SO hungry.  I know that people say mind over matter and that my hunger is a mental thing but dam!  I know that this pain in my belly is not a mental thing.  It is real.  I am so hungry no matter how much of this rabbit food (non starchy carbs and protein) that I eat.  I need some serious help.  I am eating a lot of food...constantly eating something.  I am frustrated so I decided to blog about it with hope that blogging will help me get through this.  I also opted to follow a bunch of folks who are in similar situations.  It is so hard that I have renewed my commitment to Christ and I  been praying like some kind of nun or monk.  Well pray for me no mans land (my blog).  Thanks