3/30/10

FEELINGS: Today I have been feeling a lot of physical pain. I have no idea why I am always in pain and I looked at the labs today and they were all normal. Not that I want to be sick but I really do wish I knew what was wrong so that I can treat it some kind of way. if I don't know what is wrong I can't fix it (right?). Anywho, emotionally, i have been pretty distracted by all the physical pain. It is all in my joints, my legs where they meet my hips and my right arm from the finger tips to the should joint, all day, intermittently. so saddening.

GOALS: My goals for this week are to better get in touch with how to manage my emotions and get ready to be back at work. To accomplish that I stated that I'd... G1) complete a mood log 1x per day this week and G2)practice affirmations 1x per day this week. G3) I want to compliment @least 1 man this week and G4)work out for 45min @ least 3x this week. G1 I missed on yesterday but I did one today because thee was a CBT group today and we completed one during the group. I have to work on this. G2 I practiced the affirmations that i picked out 3 times yesterday and @ times today. I plan to read it one more time before bed!

My AFFIRMATIONS: http://www.sucessconciousness.com
1) everything is getting better every day.
2) I have a wonderful and satisfying job.
3) I radiate love and happiness.
4) my body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.
5) my thoughts are under my control.
6) happy thoughts attract happy people.
7) nurturing a feeling of success attracts into your life.
8) the image you have of yourself is responsible for the way people see and treat you.
9) Success is flowing into my life.
10) every time I inhale, I fill myself with energy of prosperity.
11) many money channels are opening for me.

G3 I could not complete because I did not see any guys to compliment... then again that may be a lie. I did not notice any guys... I will try harder tomorrow even if it's complimenting a ugly fella on his cologne or outfit or a old guy in my group or something. Last but not least, G4, I took Zumba yesterday for one hour and it was really hard! i am sooo out of shape it is not even funny. Work in progress but it is a REAL trauma!

COPING SKILLS: I can't recall my thought stopping. It is so hard to stop thoughts in real time. Maybe that is why I need to complete the mood log to practice noticing my negative thoughts in real time. Major challenge!!! The only time I really trip is when it's too late and the thoughts have already became emotionally painful and hurtful. I need major work on my "catch it, check it, and Change it" skills. if a female can't catch it... how am I going to create this detour sign in my mind? Right! not likely. Affirmations are going okay. I been reciting them aloud trying to pep myself up. UHH, don't know how that's going... don't feel anything different yet...LOL. I will try to visualize myself success tonight before i go to bed.

SUMMARY: So I guess overall the day went okay. I am on a count down to return to work status and boy oh boy am I nerved up bout that! My son was sick with allergies today and he had to come home sick. I am feeling really bad for my kid suffering so bad during allergy season.
I am bummed about the lab test results and not knowing why my body hurts all the time...
I was rockin these stinky mildew boots.. the only boots I managed to salvage from the fire. I thought, if I can smell them myself while sitting in a classroom...I know others can smell them. I only hope the odor is not offensive to others.

um, now my mom is calling, my nephew got expelled or suspended today for doing something inappropriate with his private part or a little girls...IDK let me see what she will burden my already damaged heart with today... and I allow this, what a co-dependent... Bye now blogworld

03/29/10

Top of the week and its crunch time! To add more structure and purpose to my shares I thought I'd start a format. So here it goes.

FEELINGS: Today I feel all over the place. My emotions seem to be ambivalent. I feel sad but I'm not feeling inclined to cry...almost feels like I can't cry but I been smiling even tho I hurt a bit on the inside. Mostly I am nervous about work but also worried about the more practical things like bill paying and chores.

GOALS: My hope is that this week I can get better in touch with my plans to manage my emotional rollercoastering so I'll be ready for anything at work and be successful from here on out. More specifically my goals are to
1) complete a mood log 1x per day this week and
2)practice affirmations 1x per day this week.
3) I want to compliment @least 1 man this week and
4)work out for 45min @ least 3x this week. I'll keep u posted on my success completing G1 -G4

COPING SKILLS: thought stopping- when I start to think negative or painful thoughts I will "catch it, check it, and Change it" creating a detour sign in my mind! I learned the 3 C's today. Just a matter of remembering all these things (in real time especially!) I am going to use the affirmations I choose to help pep myself up daily. I will then visualize myself successful and well! All of these things are opposite actions from the things that come natural for me to do (I.e. Beat myself up). I need to remind myself to be as kind to myself as I would a friend. I want to befriend myself.

AFFIRMATIONS: http://www.sucessconciousness.com
1) everything is getting better every day.
2) I have a wonderful and satisfying job.
3) I radiate love and happiness.
4) my body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.
5) my thoughts are under my control.
6) happy thoughts attract happy people.
7) nurturing a feeling of success attracts into your life.
8) the image you have of yourself is responsible for the way people see and treat you.
9) Success is flowing into my life.
10) every time I inhale, I fill myself with energy of prosperity.
11) many money channels are opening for me.

SUMMARY: I am amazed by how many affirmations I ended up with (far more than five). Now I need to say these everyday and wait for the doors to start to open for me. Good luck to me!
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03/28/10

Hello Blog World! This is my new hair doo. I was tryna wave it up but this is how it turned out...slightly wavy but wild. Hopefully it will keep the wave for a few days. Maybe it did not hold the wave because I did not wash my hair clean...I just wet it. Well we will have to see how it turn out!

Moodwise, I been hanging in there (no tears) but I'm really feelin worried bout all the situations... You know. Life! This is my life!
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03/26/10

Today was interesting in a weird way. I woke up feeling tired as usual! Was feeling a liTtle okay at group. I had smiles and everything. Haven't had those in a few months now. I felt like smiling for a little while but later felt a bit bad. I felt SO fat and ugly and hopeless! I Officially broke my diet (MAJOR!) Then found that all the sacrifices I thought I'd made for the last 3 weeks and I've gained weight. I felt really fat and then the scale confirmed it for me. Then I called Disability and found that no money is on the way. That was the straw. Know I'm really sad about my financial situation! Have not paid no bills and rent is due next week, we got no food and no bail out either. I got 20$ to my name. Ooh and now, (after all that) I don't feel so well. My dam legs are restless and I'm hurtin all over. Woo, I needs miracle! And they wonder why I'm always on the verge of depression!!! Life sucks!
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03/25/10

HELLO Bloggers! Today was a okay day. I think I had a lot of clarity when I spoke in grouptoday. My thoughts seemed really clear about my suffering. Most days I'm so distressed that I am not all the way clear about what exactly my problem is and maybe it's not as clear cut as I'd like it to be. Maybe, I am confused on some days for valid reasons like just a plan ole chemical imbalance. Just feeling bad because of my brain not a external event. Well, I could not say for sure which one it is exactly!

Today I was trippin off the absence of black and brown presence in the Mental Health programs. Makes me think! Most black folk just aren't caught dead getting Mental Health help but does that mean they don't need it? Don't know but I do know one thing, I feel like a QUACK to be amongst the few black folks with mental issues bad enough to need help! This really frustrates me! Well, it is what it is and I don't have the answers and solutions to each and every thing that concerns or troubles me so why ponder.

So anyways, I touched up my color a bit a few minutes ago. Then I threw it back in a pony. I hope it don't fall out cuz I did not use any water for this semi-permanent color touch up job. I just poured the color on a cotton pad and rub it on the roots where the color had begun to fad. I think my hair is strong enough to take it. Hope I'm right. I'm just lazy is all! Wash and twist, TONIGHT? Uhh NO! That's whaT I ain't gone do. I'll take the risk. I know my hair can weather a storm. Hell, I've done worst things to them and they are still hanging. After reading other blogs about locs, I realize that I am doing a totally different thing with my locs than the other loc rockers. Everything I do is different from the products I use, to the styles I have been wearing. OMG, I have been totally missing the whole loc movement going on out there. But now that I am online (blogging)I am loving getting skool'd. The tutorials are "THE BIDNESS" and all the pictures and post...priceless. I'm diGgin it yall. I am!

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Depressed

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Another attempt on the Basketweave-2

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Another attempt on the Basketweave

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03/19/10 my oldest sister's B-day @ da movies

We had fun @ the movie theater. Don't I gotta big head! It's like DAM!!! I'm right in front of Tracy Morgan, behind Jim Carey...

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03/22/10- 15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

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03/23/10 #2

So today was on a emotional roller coaster! but the good news is (or not so good news), is that I made it through the day! Hip Hip! Hooray (yes I broke out the hip hip hooray). so now I am going to take my emotional ass to bed early but I wanted to post on my "no body is following" no body cares blog. LOL! No really this beats Facebook posting to people who actually know me. Now, I have a place where I can be totally honest with myself and the public. Maybe, just maybe I'll get some feedback one day and if not... Let's just say at least I have a place to diary now and document my CRAZY crazy life!

Truth is, I cried a river today at group. I cried for ABOUT 2 HOURS straight. Guess I better get it all out because I go back to work on 04/04/10 and hell, won't be no dam time for tears after that! I guess I am getting a bit of anxiety about returning to work and besides that I got stood up SOoooO BAD today. I don't even know why I try anymore with men. Seems like a chronic "NO GO" and for me it is rocket science in that I just can't get it right. To get even a little hope that this man from Texas who left me with no notice or explaination a year ago was going to keep his word (this time) and show up all the way in Cali for "ME" was, can I say "STU...PID". Negative thinking...cognitive distortions...I say nah these are facts. I just don't get it and I am Str8 running out of time to get it. Imma be old and shribbled by the time I find love. I'll be 50 talking bout baby give me some of your old ass sperm so we can have a baby with down syndrome or something or I'll be beggin some young Bitch to carry my baby (bump beggin, I'll be paying!). Anywho, I gotta get it together. Please pray for me! WOO Honey!

By the way. Did you see my "fake ass", "wanna be", "trying too hard" ass basketweave? Ha ha ha. Cute huh? "A" for effort right??? Like men, imma get right! Imma be a pro! Pee* Aar* rOw. PRO!

03/23/10- Today I am Depressed

So I put on all this make-up and now I feel SO sad! I feel ugly like a clown, like I got on this costume and what's underneath is a monster. I am yelling like a crazy animal inside! What do you do with feelings like these? IDK so I'm just gone cry. I'm really feeling emotional right about now. I hope the day gets better. So, I made it here to group even though I wanted to rip off my cloths wipe this clown face off and curl up in bed. So I guess I'll go inside now...
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03/22/10-Fifteen Ways To Untwist Your Thinking

http://cognitivetherapymd.com/Links/Fifteen.htm

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03/22/10 -Daily Mood Log*

http://74.125.93.132/search?q=cache:4wO5tPRnQm0J:www.wilsontherapy.com/userfiles/29057/file/daily_mood_log.doc+mood+log&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&ie=UTF-8&client=ms-rim

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3/22/10

I always end up logging about my day at 12am the next day while “The Wendy Williams Show” watches me and waiting for my sleep meds to kick in. This seems to be the only time I can find to complet a blog entry, in a structured way anyways. Well let me begin to report my day. Today's lessons involved learning to set limits and boundaries on relationships that are not good for me, learning how to recognize and change distorted thoughts that keep me depressed and unhappy, and how to increase my self esteem. I SO learned a lot today!
I have no idea how I am to fill you in on every little detail. I'll try though. It will be good for me to remind myself of what I've learned and document it for future reference. Here it goes.

Not setting any boundaries with my mom is VERY toxic for me. I gotta set some limits soon or I'm gone have a real break down! In group, examples were offered of things I could say to her like, limiting our talk time to 10 minutes per week, tell her to change the subject because I am burdened by our conversations since there is nothing I can do right now, recommend she talk to a therapist about her problems... All very hard things to say to my mom but I know that something has got to be done! Man my Mom's has this control thing over me! She likes making me feel sorrow, remorse, and guilt. All very painful things. Never happy feelings. So, what's a girl to do?


The other thing I learned is a way to try changing the damaging negative things I think about. The self talk that keeps me feeling bad about myself. I am very good at this! Not so good at changing. So, have u ever done a mood log? Check it out.
(see my link under the mood log post)

I think it's cool, for people who really have the time to complete it each time they experience a emotional or upsetting situation or event. What functional adult has this time? Right! Anyways I'm going to do the best I can and not can (garbage can I mean) my best! LOL

Well this is what it is all about. These are the steps to complete for the purpose of changing negative thoughts to positive ones and make life a bit easier and more pleasant.

1) Identify the upsetting situation
2) Identify the distressing emotions the situation is causing you.
3) Identify the negative thoughts that fuel those emotions. (i.e. I am stupid, I'll never meet my goals...)
3) Identify all the cognitive distortions and beliefs behind those negative thoughts and feelings. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/
4) use the Untwist your thinking skills. http://cognitivetherapymd.com/Links/Fifteen.htm
5) Identify your new positive thoughts after using the untwisting skills.


Confusion Ah? Well, get at me if your interested and I'll break it down better..
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03/19/10 #2

03/20/10. Ok so today was a trip! This guy text me out the blue and he went bad on me for NO good reason at all. I was really upset by the things he siad to me via text (might I add). He said something about me being a "super woman" and him having to "Oh Oh Oh Oh leave me alone". I don't really know exactly what he meant by this but it sure hurt my feelings. Basically, I think he was tryna clown... Sayin I'm too self sufficient or something. It sounds ridiculous but it is the truth that a lot of guys won't date me because of my accomplishments. How (in the hell) can a woman be too accomplished to date? It sucks but I meet a shitload of insecure men who want to fuck and then leave me alone cuz I have 2 degrees! So sad. What's a girl to do?
I admit that some of this is my fault. I'm learning that slowly but surely. Day by day, I realize more and more that dysfunctional tendecies are keeping me not only from happiness but from love. Yesturday, I gained some more insight about the negative consequences of being a perfectionist. In fact, perfectionism is one of the most common self-defeating beliefs. I kinda knew that but I did not "know know" that my being a perfectionist and striving to be successful was such a bad thing for me. Yes, it helped me get my Masters but it has also kept me from having a healthy relationship with myself and/or others. This is very bad considering that I hope to get married someday soon.
Basically, I got ANOTHER thing to add to my list of behaviors to change. Hell, I gotta find a whole new way of being. So this is what I learned on 3/19/10. I learned that there is a real difference between "the healthy pursuit of excellence" and perfectionism and I am "A perfectionist". Turns out I never had a chance because perfectionists people are never happy or satisfied with themselves, their acheivements, and their relationships with others. Those who pursue excellence in a healthy way "see failure as an oppurtunity for growth and learning". I must strive to pursue excellence in a more healthy way by

1) feeling motivated by feelings of enthusiasm instead of by fear of failure,

2)feeling joy and satisfaction by all my efforts towards accomplishments,

3) feeling that worthwhile/good for me people will accept me as I am and I do NOT have to earn love,

4) feeling unafraid to make mistakes and seeing failure as a oppurtunity for growth instead of being self-critical and thinking I'm a failure as a human being,

5) feeling unafraid to be vulnerable (vrs strong and in control of emotions at all time) and share my feelings with others.

Having a perfectionist mind set is not worth it. Accepting myself will bring me far less grief and will help me establish closer relationships. So, the moral of the story is ACCEPT ONE'S FLAWS and SHORTCOMINGS WITHOUT a SENSE of SHAME. I'll tell myself this daily!
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03/19/10

Reflecting upon the day so far, I am learning a lot about how to build my self esteem. I have to re-parent myself, not allowing me to beat myself up with negative self talk. And I needa do this A WHOLE lot because it takes 200 positive messages to combat one negative message a person gets or gives themselves! Each time my mind tries to take me to a negative place I need not tolerate it. I will stop thinking about it and CHOOSE something else to think about! Not sure I'd use a reframing, affirmation thing at that moment because I really think that is cheesy and does NOT work! It's useless and Crazy, to simply start an arguement with my mind (I am ugly. No ur not, yes I am...). Not my speed! Anyhow, trying something beats trying nothing!!! So I'll be thought stopping and using affirmations as often as I think of it because practice makes perfect right? I'm thinkin if I practice sayin ,"I am a good person going thru a difficult time". Eventually, I will know it so well, I'll think it effortlessly. Ideally! Anyway, I am back to group to learn more ways to teach myself self-love since my parents failed me in that area. K.
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03/18/10

Today was a very interesting day! I talked a lot about how my family is in disarray! It makes me really frustrated and it makes me sad, too. However, I know that I need to let go of things I can't control and the way people in my family choose to be is surely outside of my control. I learned that the sooner the better I "let go" to free up energy for me to work on the things in my life that I do have control over. See I have allowed my family to keep me stuck for far too long. All the manipulation, guilt trips,coersion, persuasion and worry. All the drama. All the sadness, pain, and tears have kept me in a constant state of being distress about a issue that I have no power to change! But my goal is to gain more control over my own life. Pushing myself to control what I can not has takin up so much of my time and mental energy that I have absolutely no control over my life at all. Let go! Let go I say. People places and things are those I can't control and need not try. If I accept what I can't change I will have more mental energy and empower myself to work towards changing the things I can. Like structure at home, boundaries and limits in relationshiips, and controlling raw emotions, not engaging them when temptations are stroNg. I believe this whole heartedly. God grant me the serinity ...
This was the hightlight of my day. All else was uneventful.
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