Okay, no man's land, today I feel like my Quest for love (self-love and romantic) has been totally derailed. Well, as far as the diet goes (eating healthier, and working out) I've been doing okay this week. I kind of modified what I call myself doing. Now I am clear that instead of not eating ANY starchy carbs I am more focused on not eating over processed sugar and foods and learning how to calorie count. The calorie counting thing is difficult for me to do because I don't quite understand how to equate the numbers but I am learning from this really great facebook blogger ( http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com)/ So, I'll be doing it in no time. I had planned to sit down and calculate some numbers today but my mind is just too boggled. I can not focus because I am really sad, frustrated, angry, distraught, and SO dumped.
So, my prison love ministry dumped me. He told me that he only wants to be friends with me. I am let down because I am romantically attracted to him. I am sad because I thought I was well off in my Quest and my future husband was to get out of prison (I feel so stupid saying this out loud) soon. Actually, today he got his release date. So, he waits until he is soon to be released and then decides that he does not want to be with me. This is a major blow to my self esteem. I've got so many issues that I can't even get a prison inmate/soon to be parolee to commit to me. Wow! That statement brought tears to my eyes.
I am really sad about the loss because as you know I thought highly of him. He has accomplished a lot in prison and seemed to be a really good person. Now, I feel like I've had a mean game ran on me. I mean he spent several months and lots of energy convincing me that he was qualified to be with me and it was safe to love him. Then once I love him and want to be with him he switches it up. I should have broke it off when he first told me that he did not want me to visit and he wanted us to remain friends for the remainder of his sentence. He told me that he was protecting me but I now see (more clearly) that he was just making things easier for him. I feel awful with a heavy heart. How could I be so dumb. I've made a major mistake and it this is a major set back for me emotionally.
I am taking this very personal because 1) I suffer from depression and that is what we do and 2) I just can't believe that I am back at square one in my Quest for love and I am really hopeless about my ability to meet someone else. This is a painful reality. I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about how I am not desirable to men anymore and I get absolutely no attention from the opposite sex when I go out. It really feels like a pretty hopeless situation. I thought that I had finally found someone who would love me beyond my weight and insecurities. I thought he would love me for me because he was in prison and had time to fully get to know who I am in the inside. Honestly, I think it is that person who ran him away. So I think I am fucked up on the outside and on the inside I am not a attractive or likable person either, You see this is crushing.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this either. Our relationship/friendship never became a serious commitment so I did not have any reason to share our relationship with anyone outside of therapy and no mans land. So, now I am all jacked up inside and I have no support system to help me through this.
He basically told me that we would never be more than friends but expected that we'd continue to write and talk on the phone but boy will he feel my wrath when he discovers that will not be happening. I wrote him a letter and told him that I can not be friends with him any longer because this is all too hurtful for me. Also, his phone access is restricted. I am gone. It is over ! I am sharing with you my feelings of hurt and I am really hurt. However, I am good at keeping it moving after a break-up and doing bad by myself. I don't need a man to make me feel bad about myself and my life because I already got that covered. Since my life is already suffering, it's nothing to leave him cold turkey and suffer (in silence)without him knowing a thing. He will probably think I am a cold piece of work to just abandon him like this (cut and dry) but bump what he thinks this is about me right now.
UGGGh! I am just so angry and frustrated. How did I let myself get into this mess. How will I recover? Anyways, thanks for listening no mans land.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
July 4th
So, I went to the family picnic. It was pretty ok until the end right before I got in my car to leave. I saw my (only) male cousin and I tried to hug him and he refused. I walked up to him and said "I was chasing you trying to hug you" and he said "I can't do that (hug me)". It really kinda hurt my feelings. I can't believe that he is still angry about something that happened several years ago. I don't even recall exactly why he is mad at me but he stormed off like it happened yesterday. The whole experience reminded me that "my" family picnic is actually "their" family picnic and I maybe was not as welcome as I thought. It was at that very moment that all the instances confirming that belief flashed before my eyes. Like the fact that cousin Kym (his sister) did not hug me either. Reminded me that they don't like my mother and none of her daughters...they say that we are messy but truth is no one is messier than their mother. Their mother is the glue to our family. She is older and I can't help but wonder what will happen if she passes...you think its bad now. Why does it matter? I don't even see them enough to really be trippen off them but I am. Family is important to me and I want us to all get alone but that's not happening! So I shed a couple of tears on the ride home and then I wished for my Antwan Fisher family to find me soon. I am SO old to not have a man. I need my husband to find his way home soon. Just wanted to talk about my 4th of July with someone who would be neutral and who wouldn't judge or blame me for what happened. Thanks no man's land!Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Friday, July 1, 2011
Day 5- BROKEN DIET
Today there was a pizza party at my job. Pizza is my favorite. I could not resist it, so I didn't but I did not have to eat 5 pieces... Now I am sitting here feeling all down on myself! I don't feel like I want to give up totally and go all out on a eating binge but I am feeling bad about it all.
All day I have been reading this blog that I follow on face book called, "A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss". If I knew how to link it I would. Sorry no man's land (my blog). Anyways, this blog is SO positive and today I read learning from my mistakes. I remember being really hungry unprepared today. I did not pack a lunch therefore when I heard about the pizza I was set on it. Then the pizza altered my ability to just eat one. Also, I been feeling like maybe the cold turkey is a bit too restrictive and unrealistic for me. I been thinking all day (after reading this blog) that I need to try another approach. First this I need to do is mental and emotional. I figure out how to focus on being healthy rather than losing weight to be more desirable and attractive to men. I don't really know how to change my mind set but I know that I want to. It has everything to do with self love and value. I don't have that and I don't know how to get it. I been working on it in therapy but still have not had any luck. Well until I can learn to want to become a healthier me I think I will continue to fake it and just keep struggling until I get it right or die trying...
All day I have been reading this blog that I follow on face book called, "A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss". If I knew how to link it I would. Sorry no man's land (my blog). Anyways, this blog is SO positive and today I read learning from my mistakes. I remember being really hungry unprepared today. I did not pack a lunch therefore when I heard about the pizza I was set on it. Then the pizza altered my ability to just eat one. Also, I been feeling like maybe the cold turkey is a bit too restrictive and unrealistic for me. I been thinking all day (after reading this blog) that I need to try another approach. First this I need to do is mental and emotional. I figure out how to focus on being healthy rather than losing weight to be more desirable and attractive to men. I don't really know how to change my mind set but I know that I want to. It has everything to do with self love and value. I don't have that and I don't know how to get it. I been working on it in therapy but still have not had any luck. Well until I can learn to want to become a healthier me I think I will continue to fake it and just keep struggling until I get it right or die trying...
Excerpted from How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?
How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?
by Erika Nicole Kendall
The title question is one that I saw come across my screen the other day and, in my usual fashion, I replied snarkily.
“You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.”
When I posted news of my engagement on the blog, a reader asked me what I meant by the following: I know myself. The old Erika would’ve made a man like my current fiancé take off running in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate him for who he is if I were the old me.
Excerpted from Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal
A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss
and really, it’s easy. Sort of.
My weight problems were a result of an emotional problem I had. Love is an emotion, a volatile one, at that. If I couldn’t handle my emotions properly and believed that the answer to all of my troubles could be found in the bottom of a container of Blue Bell, please believe that my lack of communication and problem solving skills would affect any relationships I’d engage in. Please believe I’d not be able to identify when a man actually loved me because I didn’t know what love looked like. I didn’t know what it felt like. I didn’t know how to identify it. And because I didn’t know how to identify love or the feelings it brings out of a person, it affected the love I gave and how I showed affection. It affected a lot. I just wasn’t a pretty picture.
It doesn’t sound like someone that a person who desires marriage would be interested in for anything long term. Someone emotionally stunted? Yeah, not so much.
When I talked about loving myself before, I wrote that I looked at how I loved my child – what I would sacrifice for her happiness, what I would struggle to acquire for her, what I wanted to ensure she would always have mentally as well as physically – and I wondered why I didn’t love myself the same way. It was through learning that process of giving love to myself in a very deliberate fashion that I learned what it was like to love someone. I mean, my daughter? I’d never even questioned my love for her. I’d never questioned what it felt like to love her. I’d never studied how hard I work to make her happy. I’d never questioned why I do the things I do for her. But turning that love back onto myself? There lied the challenge.
A combination of love and faith in that love got me to where I am, now. The things I’ve given up for Mini-me, the sacrifices I’ve made for her and the faith I had in the fact that I was doing the right thing all paid off, because those sacrifices are beginning to pay off for me in the end. Learning to sacrifice for myself? Win. Learning what it looks like to sacrifice, and see that sacrifice pay off for the recipient? Double win. Having someone in my life who is attracted to my ability to love and commit and sacrifice? That’s everything.
Can you imagine pouring everything you’ve got into someone who can’t give it back? Can you imagine displaying a willingness to give up everything for a person, and they not give in the same way? To value someone that highly, and know you aren’t seen worthy of the same? You’d leave, and rightfully so.
Loving myself requires effort. I have to show it every day. In the face of opportunities that might feel much more rewarding (like, say, binge eating), I have to make the hard choice out of love. I did it every day for my daughter, I learned to do it for myself and now, with a third addition to my household, he’s someone else I do it for.
In the book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck once wrote that we apply meanings and feelings to love that don’t, actually, belong there… that once we realize that love is not essentially romantic and not, essentially, a feeling, we get to the point where we realize that love is an investment that requires work and effort to grow. It’s foregoing instant gratification for the pursuit of a higher goal, which is – more often than not – some kind of growth. While Peck was speaking spcifically to the growth of another individual, it’d be years after I first read the book that I realized it could apply to the growth of your own self, as well.
I do what I need to do for me. I know I’m beating an emotional eating habit. I turn down the things that trigger it. I don’t allow certain things in my house. I don’t give myself the chance to make excuses. I make the hard decisions for me because I know that I’m not ready to find out whether I’m ready. I am on an active path of loving myself, and I feel the benefits of such. It’s how I give, and it’s changed how I love. I’m more free, and I’m more vulnerable, and I’m happy.
I know not everyone will be able to relate to that, and while there are people who don’t care to read me talking about love all the time… don’t worry. I don’t care to blog about it all the time, either. However, because I talk about body image, compassion and learning to love oneself… and because my view of “love” is all-encompassing, I think it makes sense to mention here.
Soooooo, as snarky as I was being, I was actually kind of truthful. “You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.” And just like your body thanks you and shows you, in return, the benefits of that kind of love by loving you back the same way? I’ve learned that pouring that kind of love into other human beings causes the exact same effect. It’s a powerful cycle, and can only make life better.
Excerpted from How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?
A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss
by Erika Nicole Kendall
The title question is one that I saw come across my screen the other day and, in my usual fashion, I replied snarkily.
“You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.”
When I posted news of my engagement on the blog, a reader asked me what I meant by the following: I know myself. The old Erika would’ve made a man like my current fiancé take off running in the opposite direction. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate him for who he is if I were the old me.
Excerpted from Not-So-Big Love: When Losing Weight Turns Into A Marriage Proposal
A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss
and really, it’s easy. Sort of.
My weight problems were a result of an emotional problem I had. Love is an emotion, a volatile one, at that. If I couldn’t handle my emotions properly and believed that the answer to all of my troubles could be found in the bottom of a container of Blue Bell, please believe that my lack of communication and problem solving skills would affect any relationships I’d engage in. Please believe I’d not be able to identify when a man actually loved me because I didn’t know what love looked like. I didn’t know what it felt like. I didn’t know how to identify it. And because I didn’t know how to identify love or the feelings it brings out of a person, it affected the love I gave and how I showed affection. It affected a lot. I just wasn’t a pretty picture.
It doesn’t sound like someone that a person who desires marriage would be interested in for anything long term. Someone emotionally stunted? Yeah, not so much.
When I talked about loving myself before, I wrote that I looked at how I loved my child – what I would sacrifice for her happiness, what I would struggle to acquire for her, what I wanted to ensure she would always have mentally as well as physically – and I wondered why I didn’t love myself the same way. It was through learning that process of giving love to myself in a very deliberate fashion that I learned what it was like to love someone. I mean, my daughter? I’d never even questioned my love for her. I’d never questioned what it felt like to love her. I’d never studied how hard I work to make her happy. I’d never questioned why I do the things I do for her. But turning that love back onto myself? There lied the challenge.
A combination of love and faith in that love got me to where I am, now. The things I’ve given up for Mini-me, the sacrifices I’ve made for her and the faith I had in the fact that I was doing the right thing all paid off, because those sacrifices are beginning to pay off for me in the end. Learning to sacrifice for myself? Win. Learning what it looks like to sacrifice, and see that sacrifice pay off for the recipient? Double win. Having someone in my life who is attracted to my ability to love and commit and sacrifice? That’s everything.
Can you imagine pouring everything you’ve got into someone who can’t give it back? Can you imagine displaying a willingness to give up everything for a person, and they not give in the same way? To value someone that highly, and know you aren’t seen worthy of the same? You’d leave, and rightfully so.
Loving myself requires effort. I have to show it every day. In the face of opportunities that might feel much more rewarding (like, say, binge eating), I have to make the hard choice out of love. I did it every day for my daughter, I learned to do it for myself and now, with a third addition to my household, he’s someone else I do it for.
In the book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck once wrote that we apply meanings and feelings to love that don’t, actually, belong there… that once we realize that love is not essentially romantic and not, essentially, a feeling, we get to the point where we realize that love is an investment that requires work and effort to grow. It’s foregoing instant gratification for the pursuit of a higher goal, which is – more often than not – some kind of growth. While Peck was speaking spcifically to the growth of another individual, it’d be years after I first read the book that I realized it could apply to the growth of your own self, as well.
I do what I need to do for me. I know I’m beating an emotional eating habit. I turn down the things that trigger it. I don’t allow certain things in my house. I don’t give myself the chance to make excuses. I make the hard decisions for me because I know that I’m not ready to find out whether I’m ready. I am on an active path of loving myself, and I feel the benefits of such. It’s how I give, and it’s changed how I love. I’m more free, and I’m more vulnerable, and I’m happy.
I know not everyone will be able to relate to that, and while there are people who don’t care to read me talking about love all the time… don’t worry. I don’t care to blog about it all the time, either. However, because I talk about body image, compassion and learning to love oneself… and because my view of “love” is all-encompassing, I think it makes sense to mention here.
Soooooo, as snarky as I was being, I was actually kind of truthful. “You know it’s love when you start giving up stuff you really like to see them happy.” And just like your body thanks you and shows you, in return, the benefits of that kind of love by loving you back the same way? I’ve learned that pouring that kind of love into other human beings causes the exact same effect. It’s a powerful cycle, and can only make life better.
Excerpted from How Do You Know When You Love Someone… Or Yourself?
A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss
Thursday, June 30, 2011
It was the pills
I am ashamed to say it out loud but in addition to dieting I have been taking these diet pills (Quicktrim). I found out today that it was the diet pills and not the diet that had me feeling so ill. Today I cut the dose of the pills in half and I am not half as hungry as I have been all week. Today, actually feels a bit more bearable. I am about to eat my 3rd meal. I will have some cucumbers, tomatoes, and vinegar with a coconut water and I am looking forward to that. Today we had a bridal shower at work and there was cake and all kinds of other snacks and I did not eat them. Besides that I ordered my salad from the Cafe' and they gave me my regular, two breads. I did not eat them either. It was the first time I had the urge to cheat though. Those fresh sourdough breads w/ butter be so GOOD! I am proud of myself for not eating it though. I can't wait to start seeing the results from my hard work. It has only been 4 days but it has been really hard. I know that there will be a pay off if I am patient and stick to it but I am anxious to see the pay off.
I feel so much better today that I may make it to the gym tonight. All the other days this week I was suffering so bad that I was taking my sleep aid and going to bed early (like 8pm). I am a little tired and I have not noticed a major change in my energy level. I actually think that I have adverse reactions to the caffeine in these diet pills. I think I feel a little dizzy, weak, and achy but then again it is almost time to eat. I thought that getting healthy was suppose to make me feel good. I hope things continue to improve and I will keep posting to no mans land (my blog). The postings are really helping me. I think that they are helping me learn what I feel in relation to food. I am actually convinced that I do not know what hunger feels like since I thought that the stomach pains that I was having cause d by the pills was EXTREME hunger (starvation). I have been drinking lots of water too and eventually I will be able to distinguish hunger from thirst and depression or illness from hunger. Right now it all feels the same to me. It is just a overall sense of ill that I feel and I was interpreting it as hunger. Today, I am starting to question everything but in the end I should have some major insights about the sensations of my body.
Oh yeah, so the diet system has a detox component which is a additional pill that I take at night. Well to make a long story short, I been poopin today. I guess that is good. I will keep ya posted.
Anyways, to mention my Quest for romantic love. I wrote my prison love ministry a letter today. I received a letter from him last night and it was pretty pleasant. Not every letter from him is pleasant. For a while it was actually starting like feel all our communications were offensive or combative. We were going back and forth at offending each other. I don't think it was on purpose though. I think it is that we are both so guarded and therefore always defensive. I still think he is right for me though for many different reasons but it is still hard to understand why I would want a man who has spent majority of his life in prison. Sometimes I question my sanity but I try not to judge. So I am not sure if I shared it or not but he was deemed appropriate for parole and next week he will get his parole date. I am so nervous and I really hope that they decide to release him right away. That has actually happened for a couple of his friends since we have been talking...so I have hope. However, i am nervous about the changes our relationship will go through once he is released. Right now we are just friends who just write (no visiting remember) but I want to move quickly into love and marriage because as you know I want to have a baby in the next year or so. Hum. It is so complicated.
I feel so much better today that I may make it to the gym tonight. All the other days this week I was suffering so bad that I was taking my sleep aid and going to bed early (like 8pm). I am a little tired and I have not noticed a major change in my energy level. I actually think that I have adverse reactions to the caffeine in these diet pills. I think I feel a little dizzy, weak, and achy but then again it is almost time to eat. I thought that getting healthy was suppose to make me feel good. I hope things continue to improve and I will keep posting to no mans land (my blog). The postings are really helping me. I think that they are helping me learn what I feel in relation to food. I am actually convinced that I do not know what hunger feels like since I thought that the stomach pains that I was having cause d by the pills was EXTREME hunger (starvation). I have been drinking lots of water too and eventually I will be able to distinguish hunger from thirst and depression or illness from hunger. Right now it all feels the same to me. It is just a overall sense of ill that I feel and I was interpreting it as hunger. Today, I am starting to question everything but in the end I should have some major insights about the sensations of my body.
Oh yeah, so the diet system has a detox component which is a additional pill that I take at night. Well to make a long story short, I been poopin today. I guess that is good. I will keep ya posted.
Anyways, to mention my Quest for romantic love. I wrote my prison love ministry a letter today. I received a letter from him last night and it was pretty pleasant. Not every letter from him is pleasant. For a while it was actually starting like feel all our communications were offensive or combative. We were going back and forth at offending each other. I don't think it was on purpose though. I think it is that we are both so guarded and therefore always defensive. I still think he is right for me though for many different reasons but it is still hard to understand why I would want a man who has spent majority of his life in prison. Sometimes I question my sanity but I try not to judge. So I am not sure if I shared it or not but he was deemed appropriate for parole and next week he will get his parole date. I am so nervous and I really hope that they decide to release him right away. That has actually happened for a couple of his friends since we have been talking...so I have hope. However, i am nervous about the changes our relationship will go through once he is released. Right now we are just friends who just write (no visiting remember) but I want to move quickly into love and marriage because as you know I want to have a baby in the next year or so. Hum. It is so complicated.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Shawnie and Tebo's cold turkey day 3
I have to start by saying "OMG, I am so hungry!"
So HELLO, no mans land (my blog), as you know I am on this Quest for love (self love and romantic). In my endeavor, I spoke to an old friend Shawnie on Thursday of last week about the "cold turkey". The "cold turkey" is what I have named the no starchy carb diet that helped Shawnie and Tebo (friends from my early adulthood) to become the fit and slim divas that they are today. We used to all hang out and back then we were all around the same size (size 10-12). Nowadays I am a 16 and they are more like a 6. So, I decided to ask them (separately/independently) for advice on how to loss weight. Well they told me the same thing. They told me that when I am serious about weight loss I have to go cold turkey on sugar and starchy carbs. Well, I am serious about weight loss and I am tired of seeing the (what Shawnie calls) fat gurl in the mirror. So, today is day three of my endeavors to change my eating habits and lose the weight. However, I am really stressed out because I am SO hungry. I know that people say mind over matter and that my hunger is a mental thing but dam! I know that this pain in my belly is not a mental thing. It is real. I am so hungry no matter how much of this rabbit food (non starchy carbs and protein) that I eat. I need some serious help. I am eating a lot of food...constantly eating something. I am frustrated so I decided to blog about it with hope that blogging will help me get through this. I also opted to follow a bunch of folks who are in similar situations. It is so hard that I have renewed my commitment to Christ and I been praying like some kind of nun or monk. Well pray for me no mans land (my blog). Thanks
So HELLO, no mans land (my blog), as you know I am on this Quest for love (self love and romantic). In my endeavor, I spoke to an old friend Shawnie on Thursday of last week about the "cold turkey". The "cold turkey" is what I have named the no starchy carb diet that helped Shawnie and Tebo (friends from my early adulthood) to become the fit and slim divas that they are today. We used to all hang out and back then we were all around the same size (size 10-12). Nowadays I am a 16 and they are more like a 6. So, I decided to ask them (separately/independently) for advice on how to loss weight. Well they told me the same thing. They told me that when I am serious about weight loss I have to go cold turkey on sugar and starchy carbs. Well, I am serious about weight loss and I am tired of seeing the (what Shawnie calls) fat gurl in the mirror. So, today is day three of my endeavors to change my eating habits and lose the weight. However, I am really stressed out because I am SO hungry. I know that people say mind over matter and that my hunger is a mental thing but dam! I know that this pain in my belly is not a mental thing. It is real. I am so hungry no matter how much of this rabbit food (non starchy carbs and protein) that I eat. I need some serious help. I am eating a lot of food...constantly eating something. I am frustrated so I decided to blog about it with hope that blogging will help me get through this. I also opted to follow a bunch of folks who are in similar situations. It is so hard that I have renewed my commitment to Christ and I been praying like some kind of nun or monk. Well pray for me no mans land (my blog). Thanks
Friday, April 1, 2011
feels funky
Well I thought it'd be nice for me to try and process my feelings today. So, how do I feel about this? Well this is the run down. Yesterday I talked to my prison love ministry on the phone. I told him that my therapist said that there are holes in his story about why I can't visit him. That took our conversation in the wrong direction and my feelings ended up being hurt. I agreed not to share my negative feelings anymore because I don't want to add stress to his already stressful life. So, I have been harboring this kinda uneasy feeling. I can't exactly gage what I am feeling but whatever it is it is definitely not good. The way I interpreted his response was like this BITCH I don't trust you and I am not sure that I even want to be with you so HELL NO you can't come visit with my family. I don't even want my family to know you exist. I am keeping you a secret. what he actually said sounded more like this I can't let "just anybody" close to me/visit with me and my family. Just anybody? So I am just a any ole body? WOW, that kinda hurts me. Can't share what I feel with him though because he already has enough to worry about. I told him that I only want to be a positive entity in his life...I don't want to be a source of stress for him but where does that leave me (feelings wise). He says things that hurt my feelings and I don't get to defend myself because I am in the selfless relationship. Hopefully at some point I don't get really frustrated and just get selfish on that ass. It is hard because I usually am selfish about taking care of me and my feelings. This time (I guess) I am trying something new. He says that he does not want to hurt me and if he thought he was hurting me he would remove himself from the equation. I don't want that. He asked me to think about if I really like drama. As far as I know I do not like drama. I don't like to bicker and have constant disagreements but I also don't want to be no fool and just let him talk to me and treat me any ole kinda way. Usually, this is the time when I get ghost. I feel something weird...can't quite identify what it is but I know it feels funky so I kick the suckas to the curb and don't look back. Why am I not doing that here? I really don't know. The reason is totally selfless because I clearly am not getting all that I need out of this relationship. In fact I get let down on a regular basis. I am making myself sad and I feel like crying and that is not good. It is not my idea of a healthy relationship. Speaking of healthy relationships. He says that he wants a healthy relationship with me and that is what he is trying to develop. I don't know it just feels funky. When I was barely interested in him he was convincing me to choose him and now that I have chosen him he decided that he does not know if he wants me anymore. That is nerve racking. It makes me feel like this is a game to him. He said that things were going too fast and we needed to slow things down. Now, do I respect that and just wait, risking that he won't want me in the end or do I leave now while I am ahead. I am afraid! Whats a girl to do?
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