I am ashamed to say it out loud but in addition to dieting I have been taking these diet pills (Quicktrim). I found out today that it was the diet pills and not the diet that had me feeling so ill. Today I cut the dose of the pills in half and I am not half as hungry as I have been all week. Today, actually feels a bit more bearable. I am about to eat my 3rd meal. I will have some cucumbers, tomatoes, and vinegar with a coconut water and I am looking forward to that. Today we had a bridal shower at work and there was cake and all kinds of other snacks and I did not eat them. Besides that I ordered my salad from the Cafe' and they gave me my regular, two breads. I did not eat them either. It was the first time I had the urge to cheat though. Those fresh sourdough breads w/ butter be so GOOD! I am proud of myself for not eating it though. I can't wait to start seeing the results from my hard work. It has only been 4 days but it has been really hard. I know that there will be a pay off if I am patient and stick to it but I am anxious to see the pay off.
I feel so much better today that I may make it to the gym tonight. All the other days this week I was suffering so bad that I was taking my sleep aid and going to bed early (like 8pm). I am a little tired and I have not noticed a major change in my energy level. I actually think that I have adverse reactions to the caffeine in these diet pills. I think I feel a little dizzy, weak, and achy but then again it is almost time to eat. I thought that getting healthy was suppose to make me feel good. I hope things continue to improve and I will keep posting to no mans land (my blog). The postings are really helping me. I think that they are helping me learn what I feel in relation to food. I am actually convinced that I do not know what hunger feels like since I thought that the stomach pains that I was having cause d by the pills was EXTREME hunger (starvation). I have been drinking lots of water too and eventually I will be able to distinguish hunger from thirst and depression or illness from hunger. Right now it all feels the same to me. It is just a overall sense of ill that I feel and I was interpreting it as hunger. Today, I am starting to question everything but in the end I should have some major insights about the sensations of my body.
Oh yeah, so the diet system has a detox component which is a additional pill that I take at night. Well to make a long story short, I been poopin today. I guess that is good. I will keep ya posted.
Anyways, to mention my Quest for romantic love. I wrote my prison love ministry a letter today. I received a letter from him last night and it was pretty pleasant. Not every letter from him is pleasant. For a while it was actually starting like feel all our communications were offensive or combative. We were going back and forth at offending each other. I don't think it was on purpose though. I think it is that we are both so guarded and therefore always defensive. I still think he is right for me though for many different reasons but it is still hard to understand why I would want a man who has spent majority of his life in prison. Sometimes I question my sanity but I try not to judge. So I am not sure if I shared it or not but he was deemed appropriate for parole and next week he will get his parole date. I am so nervous and I really hope that they decide to release him right away. That has actually happened for a couple of his friends since we have been talking...so I have hope. However, i am nervous about the changes our relationship will go through once he is released. Right now we are just friends who just write (no visiting remember) but I want to move quickly into love and marriage because as you know I want to have a baby in the next year or so. Hum. It is so complicated.
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