Back again

Hello no man's land. I am back again to post a blog. I am actually sitting at work taking a much needed breaky break! I been working hard none stop today and my brain says its time for a break. You know? Anyhow, I re-read my last post and I wanted to give you (no man's land) a update on my prison love ministry :-) I still like the guy in prison and we have graduated to one 15 minute collect call per week. It sounds horrible when I think about it but it has not been so bad (oh course I have not got my first phone bill yet). Our conversations are cool and I find myself smiling for the whole 15 minutes. To me that is huge because I have not had a man making me smile for any minutes in at least 2 years.

I still can't share any of this with my family. Parts of me enjoy this man and what we share but other parts of me have a major problem with dating a man in prison. I guess the worst part for me is not knowing if he will be able to secure a job and provide for me when he gets out. So he went before the parole board and they determined that he is suitable for parole but he won't be paroles for 2-3 more years from now. When I think about waiting I only think that I have nothing to lose because there has been absolutely nothing going on for me out here. I do not meet men (or women) and I do not have any other candidates lined up to let me drain their babies. Is this a pitiful situation or what?

Parts of me feel ashamed but parts of me loves (yes I said it) this man. I love him for the very attractive and smart man he is. I love him his super positive attitude and caring spirit but then again don't most men in prison take on this persona? Also, he wasn't so smart 15years ago when he made a really poor decision landing himself in prison. So I just hope that he will come home to me soon enough and becomes a production member of society. The way that I see it is that it would not be any more of a tragedy for me if it does not work out between the two of us since I don't have any other options anyways. He is my only option at this time. If things change then maybe it would be another story but I don't see that happening being that my social life is non existent and I don't have any guys dying to date me. I should be a hot commodity but I am just not! I don't know if it is because me and my mental problems or something else. Probably the mental problems. Well check this. If I marry this guy in prison at least I'll have a dedicated and faithful man for a period of time. I think I'll enjoy that and it would be the highlight of my life for awhile. Even if it is a facade. To be in love for a couple of years with this man I loved when I was a teenager seems like a fairytale and I want my fairytale even if only for a while.

However, there is this one problem. Our relationship is not progressing quick enough. He is not allowing me to visit him for some bizarre reason. I wonder is he hiding something. I try to think positively and let destiny take it's course but ... you know. We have been talking on the phone for at least 3wks and writing for at least 4 months and he is local. We could totally be visiting already and he refusing to send me a visitors form. Seems fishy huh? Why wouldn't he want me to visit him when he is claiming to love me and all the shit. Lord please don't let this man be lying to me. It would crush me to get dogged again and this time by a man who ain't even out. Would be pitiful. Well I'll keep ya posted and up to date on my Quest for love.

Oh I almost forgot.  I got good news.  I calculated my hours for my Marriage and Family Therapist license and I am really close to completion.  What that means is that I will be able to take the exam for my license really soon and I will then be a licensed MFT.  Yippie!